I've learned a few things about meditating lately:
1. Do NOT light a candle. Migraines will ensue (smoke of any kind being a major trigger).
2. It's impossible to meditate when other people are home, because someone is bound to come knock on your door at least once.
3. Turn everything to "silent" mode, except the music.
4. This whole altar thing really isn't doing it for me.
5. When meditation/prayer actually works out, and I'm able to get into the "zone" uninterrupted, I do get some pretty nice insight. I have been praying a lot for guidance lately, because of some developments in my life, and found that thinking things through while meditating and praying helps me hone in on what decisions to make, and how I really feel about things.
So, I think I'll put meditation away for the most part for right now, unless I'm home alone. Since that rarely happens, I don't think it will be a big part of my spiritual life right now. I'm just not in a place in my life where I feel it will be the most beneficial. I'm going to go back to module 3, which was where I mostly left off, and try to get as much out of them as I can, without having the meditation focal point. Someday, when I live by myself again, I will likely bring all of this back out and try again. I feel like it could be really helpful not only in my spiritual life, but in my professional life, being able to bring myself to center before auditions and performances.
Another issue I've been running into was just designating time to meditate. I've been struggling with time management since I left school last May, and have been unemployed. It was so easy to create a schedule when you had certain things at certain times every day, and had to plan around them. I don't have that anymore. However, I just got a job for the summer, so I'm hoping I can come up with some sort of routine. Perhaps I'll include meditation in that routine, at least a couple times a week.
Monday, March 26, 2012
Monday, March 19, 2012
Message from a memorial service
For God alone my soul waits in silence;
From him comes my salvation.
He alone is my rock and my salvation,
my fortress; I shall never be shaken.
How long will you assail a person,
will you batter your victim, all of you,
as you would a leaning wall, a tottering fence?
Their only plan is to bring down a person of prominence.
They take pleasure in falsehood;
They bless with their mouths, but inwardly they curse.
For God alone my soul waits in silence,
for my hope is from him.
He alone is my rock and my salvation,
my fortress; I shall not be shaken
On God rests my deliverance and my honor;
My mighty rock, my refuge is in God.
Trust in him at all times, O people;
Pour out your heart before him;
God is a refuge for us.
Those of low estate are but a breath,
those of high estate are a delusion;
In the balances they go up;
They are together lighter than a breath.
Put no confidence in extortion,
And set no vain hopes on robbery;
If riches increase, do not set your heart on them.
Once God has spoken;
Twice I have heard this:
That power belongs to God,
And steadfast love belongs to you, O Lord.
For you repay to all
According to their work.
-Psalm 62
From him comes my salvation.
He alone is my rock and my salvation,
my fortress; I shall never be shaken.
How long will you assail a person,
will you batter your victim, all of you,
as you would a leaning wall, a tottering fence?
Their only plan is to bring down a person of prominence.
They take pleasure in falsehood;
They bless with their mouths, but inwardly they curse.
For God alone my soul waits in silence,
for my hope is from him.
He alone is my rock and my salvation,
my fortress; I shall not be shaken
On God rests my deliverance and my honor;
My mighty rock, my refuge is in God.
Trust in him at all times, O people;
Pour out your heart before him;
God is a refuge for us.
Those of low estate are but a breath,
those of high estate are a delusion;
In the balances they go up;
They are together lighter than a breath.
Put no confidence in extortion,
And set no vain hopes on robbery;
If riches increase, do not set your heart on them.
Once God has spoken;
Twice I have heard this:
That power belongs to God,
And steadfast love belongs to you, O Lord.
For you repay to all
According to their work.
-Psalm 62
Thursday, March 8, 2012
Catching up
I'm going to try to do some catch up with the meditation aspect of the Nomad course, before I do the finishing weeks' modules. I just feel that they revolve so much around this aspect of practice that I can't really complete them without having done the practice.
I'll probably be posting about random experiences between now and then, but in case I'm not here for awhile, that's why.
I'll probably be posting about random experiences between now and then, but in case I'm not here for awhile, that's why.
Wednesday, March 7, 2012
Family love
Something happened a few days ago that still fills my heart to the brim with love and joy, and it was such a simple little thing. But I can't get it out of my head, so I thought I'd share. It definitely falls into the category of "moment of grace."
This is my 2 1/2 year old nephew. He is rather tall for his age, however, that is a mini french horn that I acquired a couple of years ago. He was too scared to touch my full-size horn, but when I pulled this out, he fell in love. He put his right hand in the bell, and his left hand where you see it, without me having to instruct him! He then proceeded to blow into the mouthpiece (with a very good set-up, if I might add), and make some nice little sounds. He grinned after every sound, and told us happily that he had just played "Twinkle Twinkle" or "ABC" or some other song that is generally longer than one note. This occupied a good hour of our time, and I loved every second of it.
I've never wanted to teach my instrument, not to anyone. But I had this moment where I wanted to teach him how to play so badly I could hardly contain it. I wanted to share this incredibly important part of myself with him. Since he's 2, that's not really possible right now. But maybe someday... I have hope. He already shows talent. He even created a "trombone" out of a little slide whistle, and ran around the house saying "trombone!" and playing a little note. It's pretty freaking adorable.
But the really important thing happened later that evening. We were all together celebrating my grandfather's 88th birthday, and had gone out to dinner. My older brother (this kid's father) found out as we were leaving the restaurant that a friend's father had just passed away. He knew the man very well, and was obviously upset. Patrick told his mom that Daddy looks sad, and reached out, transferring to my brother's arms, and said "It's ok, Daddy." I about started to weep.
When we got back to the house, they decided Patrick would stay with us while Mommy and Daddy went to the hospital for their friend. Mommy was about to read him a bedtime story, but I asked him if I could read to him. Normally, when I ask if I can do something with him, he immediately says "no" and won't do it. But he climbed out of Mommy's lap, and ran over and climbed up in mine. I got to read him two bedtime stories as he cuddled on my lap.
I really can't describe what I was feeling during that moment, because I've never felt it before. I can only assume it's what would be called a "maternal" feeling, however I've never felt particularly maternal before, so I don't know. All I do know is that I felt so much love for that child, and could feel his little 2-year old self full of love, joy, curiosity, and all other toddler feelings, and it was just a happy moment.
I never realized bedtime stories about Thomas the tank engine and the Bernstein Bears could be so important.
I've never wanted to teach my instrument, not to anyone. But I had this moment where I wanted to teach him how to play so badly I could hardly contain it. I wanted to share this incredibly important part of myself with him. Since he's 2, that's not really possible right now. But maybe someday... I have hope. He already shows talent. He even created a "trombone" out of a little slide whistle, and ran around the house saying "trombone!" and playing a little note. It's pretty freaking adorable.
But the really important thing happened later that evening. We were all together celebrating my grandfather's 88th birthday, and had gone out to dinner. My older brother (this kid's father) found out as we were leaving the restaurant that a friend's father had just passed away. He knew the man very well, and was obviously upset. Patrick told his mom that Daddy looks sad, and reached out, transferring to my brother's arms, and said "It's ok, Daddy." I about started to weep.
When we got back to the house, they decided Patrick would stay with us while Mommy and Daddy went to the hospital for their friend. Mommy was about to read him a bedtime story, but I asked him if I could read to him. Normally, when I ask if I can do something with him, he immediately says "no" and won't do it. But he climbed out of Mommy's lap, and ran over and climbed up in mine. I got to read him two bedtime stories as he cuddled on my lap.
I really can't describe what I was feeling during that moment, because I've never felt it before. I can only assume it's what would be called a "maternal" feeling, however I've never felt particularly maternal before, so I don't know. All I do know is that I felt so much love for that child, and could feel his little 2-year old self full of love, joy, curiosity, and all other toddler feelings, and it was just a happy moment.
I never realized bedtime stories about Thomas the tank engine and the Bernstein Bears could be so important.
Sunday, March 4, 2012
How do you pray?
Week 3 was all about prayer. The previous weeks were based on meditation, the listening side of the conversation between you and God, and this week was about the talking side of the conversation. After discussing prayer for a bit, Dianne asked "When you come before God to speak, how do you pray?"After a few examples "Do you pray like a poet? ...an artist? ... a dancer?" she says this paragraph, which I personally find rather profound:
"The exact method you use to communicate with Deity isn’t as important as
whether that method is appropriate for you and that you do it authentically. It’s way
better to spend five minutes deeply in touch with God through jumping on a pogo
stick than an hour faking it in church. What matters is the sincerity of your prayer,
the authenticity of your voice, the depth of your longing to feel the Holy Whoa of
God touch your life and lift you up in ways you can’t articulate."
I probably spent a good 5 years where I prayed maybe two or three times the entire year. I say "prayer" in that sense as sitting down, and truly speaking mind-to-God. There were plenty of times where I thought at God, or pondered the divine order of things, etc., but actually sitting down and saying "Dear Lord, blah blah blah" was rare.
I also haven't been a regular church-goer since high school. Since then, away from the church where I grew up, I always felt my presence wasn't authentic, my reasons for being there were skewed, and the whole thing was messed up. As Sylvan said, I was faking it. I wasn't sincere. I think that's why I mostly stopped praying, too, because for a long time, I wasn't convinced my prayers were being heard by anyone.
I did, however, have this tendency to put any emotion I was feeling into my music. I still do. If I'm feeling a certain way, or hoping for a certain outcome, or a friend is in pain, etc., I find a piece of music that conveys exactly how I'm feeling. Now that I play in a sanctuary of a church almost on a daily basis, I feel like that's my prayer. The next week's module talks about acting on your prayers (e.g. applying for a job, you call them, and work to get the job, not just try to let it happen), and it kinda hit home with the whole musical prayer thing that I've been pondering. I want a music job. I want to be in an orchestra. I put that desire into my music, and I work my butt off to be good enough on my instrument to get and keep that job.
I've also said before that my practice sessions tend to be meditative, also, since I'm so focused on what I'm doing, and nothing else really matters at the time.
How do I pray? I pray as a musician. I put my prayer through about 18 feet of brass tubing, and let it ring for anyone to hear. I put my discipline, my hope, my confidence, into that metal. I've become so attached to it, in fact, that I no longer sing anywhere but my car, and that's only if I'm alone and the windows are rolled up. My horn is not just my instrument, but it has become my true voice. Prayer doesn't get much more personal than that. "What matters is the sincerity of your prayer, the authenticity of your voice, the depth of your longing to feel the Holy Whoa of God touch your life and lift you up in ways you can’t articulate."
She goes on to talk about 10 common ways to pray, which brought up another thought. The second way on the list was Mudras. I hadn't heard of mudras until I started Jujitsu in New Jersey, and my teacher taught me different energy katas. Each kata had a mudra to go with it, designed to harness and focus different energies. I suppose that is a different way of praying, because every Mudra, every kata, has a different purpose for the self: health, balance, knowledge, intuition, making yourself invisible to your enemies, etc. Each is a form of prayer, but I never thought of it that way. I guess I'll really have to start doing the katas again!
The project from week 3 was to create a journey book, which I've already mentioned in a couple of posts. We are to collect quotes, photos, art, etc that speak to us spiritually. I'm quite happily adding to my journey book close to every day. It has been my favorite project so far, and I found a beautiful journal of a woman sitting under a cherry tree for my book.
Journal questions:
1. When you were a child, did you have to learn and recite any prayers? Do you still remember them? What meaning do they hold for you now versus what you thought they meant as a child?
I remember one year in Sunday School, I think it was third grade, we had all the words from the Lord's Prayer on little pieces of paper the table, and we were supposed to put the words in order. It was probably the first prayer I learned by heart. It has stuck with me for so many years, even when I wasn't sure about Christianity, but was sure about God, because it doesn't mention Jesus. However, Jesus was the one who gave us the prayer. When I wasn't sure what to say to pray, it was my go-to prayer. I now recite it frequently, at the end of meditation, when I'm trying to pray for someone, etc. I don't tend to think "Dear God, please help so-and-so through this hard time they are having." I just think about whoever needs some help/guidance/love, and say the Lord's Prayer, and figure God knows what I mean.
The rest of the Journal questions were about listing books that have been influential to us on our spiritual journeys. I didn't really read any, actually. I've read quite a bit of the Bible, but have personal and historical issues with the book, so I don't find it to be quite as inspiring in my faith as many seem to. But it's really the only book about any kind of faith that I've read. I found a book about Buddhism at a used book store that I want to start reading. I just have this serious problem with starting non-fiction books and never finishing them. I made it one of my goals for this year to read a non-fiction book every month, but so far, I'm halfway through one. And it's March. I'm not doing so hot.
"The exact method you use to communicate with Deity isn’t as important as
whether that method is appropriate for you and that you do it authentically. It’s way
better to spend five minutes deeply in touch with God through jumping on a pogo
stick than an hour faking it in church. What matters is the sincerity of your prayer,
the authenticity of your voice, the depth of your longing to feel the Holy Whoa of
God touch your life and lift you up in ways you can’t articulate."
I probably spent a good 5 years where I prayed maybe two or three times the entire year. I say "prayer" in that sense as sitting down, and truly speaking mind-to-God. There were plenty of times where I thought at God, or pondered the divine order of things, etc., but actually sitting down and saying "Dear Lord, blah blah blah" was rare.
I also haven't been a regular church-goer since high school. Since then, away from the church where I grew up, I always felt my presence wasn't authentic, my reasons for being there were skewed, and the whole thing was messed up. As Sylvan said, I was faking it. I wasn't sincere. I think that's why I mostly stopped praying, too, because for a long time, I wasn't convinced my prayers were being heard by anyone.
I did, however, have this tendency to put any emotion I was feeling into my music. I still do. If I'm feeling a certain way, or hoping for a certain outcome, or a friend is in pain, etc., I find a piece of music that conveys exactly how I'm feeling. Now that I play in a sanctuary of a church almost on a daily basis, I feel like that's my prayer. The next week's module talks about acting on your prayers (e.g. applying for a job, you call them, and work to get the job, not just try to let it happen), and it kinda hit home with the whole musical prayer thing that I've been pondering. I want a music job. I want to be in an orchestra. I put that desire into my music, and I work my butt off to be good enough on my instrument to get and keep that job.
I've also said before that my practice sessions tend to be meditative, also, since I'm so focused on what I'm doing, and nothing else really matters at the time.
How do I pray? I pray as a musician. I put my prayer through about 18 feet of brass tubing, and let it ring for anyone to hear. I put my discipline, my hope, my confidence, into that metal. I've become so attached to it, in fact, that I no longer sing anywhere but my car, and that's only if I'm alone and the windows are rolled up. My horn is not just my instrument, but it has become my true voice. Prayer doesn't get much more personal than that. "What matters is the sincerity of your prayer, the authenticity of your voice, the depth of your longing to feel the Holy Whoa of God touch your life and lift you up in ways you can’t articulate."
She goes on to talk about 10 common ways to pray, which brought up another thought. The second way on the list was Mudras. I hadn't heard of mudras until I started Jujitsu in New Jersey, and my teacher taught me different energy katas. Each kata had a mudra to go with it, designed to harness and focus different energies. I suppose that is a different way of praying, because every Mudra, every kata, has a different purpose for the self: health, balance, knowledge, intuition, making yourself invisible to your enemies, etc. Each is a form of prayer, but I never thought of it that way. I guess I'll really have to start doing the katas again!
The project from week 3 was to create a journey book, which I've already mentioned in a couple of posts. We are to collect quotes, photos, art, etc that speak to us spiritually. I'm quite happily adding to my journey book close to every day. It has been my favorite project so far, and I found a beautiful journal of a woman sitting under a cherry tree for my book.
Journal questions:
1. When you were a child, did you have to learn and recite any prayers? Do you still remember them? What meaning do they hold for you now versus what you thought they meant as a child?
I remember one year in Sunday School, I think it was third grade, we had all the words from the Lord's Prayer on little pieces of paper the table, and we were supposed to put the words in order. It was probably the first prayer I learned by heart. It has stuck with me for so many years, even when I wasn't sure about Christianity, but was sure about God, because it doesn't mention Jesus. However, Jesus was the one who gave us the prayer. When I wasn't sure what to say to pray, it was my go-to prayer. I now recite it frequently, at the end of meditation, when I'm trying to pray for someone, etc. I don't tend to think "Dear God, please help so-and-so through this hard time they are having." I just think about whoever needs some help/guidance/love, and say the Lord's Prayer, and figure God knows what I mean.
The rest of the Journal questions were about listing books that have been influential to us on our spiritual journeys. I didn't really read any, actually. I've read quite a bit of the Bible, but have personal and historical issues with the book, so I don't find it to be quite as inspiring in my faith as many seem to. But it's really the only book about any kind of faith that I've read. I found a book about Buddhism at a used book store that I want to start reading. I just have this serious problem with starting non-fiction books and never finishing them. I made it one of my goals for this year to read a non-fiction book every month, but so far, I'm halfway through one. And it's March. I'm not doing so hot.
Friday, March 2, 2012
Must be a sign...
Since starting this course, a lot of things have been happening around me, and I think I need to take a look at them more closely. It seems fitting, since we are in the season of Lent, a time traditionally devoted to reflect on our faith and meditating on what that means.
The first was that I walked into my church to practice my horn, and saw this funky table-like thing at the entrance to the sanctuary. It had a sign on it, and once I got the lights turned on, I saw that it was an altar, made by a local artist. The art gallery, which is one of the church's ministries, currently has a show called "Ashes and Altars," altars and cremation urns, among other sacred relics created by David Orth. You can see information here.
I've said it before, but I really have never though about altars. I only remember the whole do-not-worship-idols thing, and I think I always associated objects on an altar being idol-worshiping. Thinking about it more now, and having read the course's suggestions on altar-building, I do not believe that. I like the thought that I can have objects on my altar that represent different ways I feel close to God. I plan on going to the art show when it is open on Sunday, and taking a look at these altars and relics, and consider them in a different light than I would have before this course.
I picked up a packet about the art gallery, and discovered they are also having an altar-creation class on March 17. "Having a sacred space in the home can aid greatly in ones spiritual journey. In this workshop, you will learn about home altars, their history and uses in various cultures, ways in which a home altar can nurture your spiritual life, along with what to include on your altar." YAY! Consider me workshop-bound. I've been meditating, and considering what items to put on my altar, and will probably put them on there before the workshop, but it will be interesting to see what I come up with, and what the workshop talks about.
Another series of events hosted by the gallery will be multiple days of Centering Prayer: "Lent is a time for reflection, introspection on the meaning of our faith, and what it means to be a disciple of Christ... to take up our own cross and follow him. The mystics have long embraced centering prayer as a non-verbal discipline to become aware, alert, and present to the workings of the spirit as it moves through us." There are multiple 30-minute sessions on Saturday mornings, and I'm planning on attending at least one session. 9 am is a bit early for me, so I have to work myself into getting up that early. If I went tomorrow morning, I'd just fall asleep. However, I'm hoping that the few sessions I may be able to make will help me with my meditating issues.
Speaking of meditating... I came across 2 CDs of music that I got during a class on Gandharva meditation (I believe that's what it was called) that I did during my undergrad. I was told it would help immensely with my music studies, but either I didn't practice it enough, or I just wasn't ready for that kind of centering yet. Either way, I uploaded the discs to iTunes, and used the evening version for my meditation today. I immediately noticed a difference: having noise-reducing ear buds in cut out a lot of the piano "music" coming from downstairs. My dad didn't come knock on my door immediately, like he did last time I tried to meditate. The music helped me to calm my mind, giving me something to hear while I did the breathing exercise. Once the music cut out for about a 15-minute meditation session, I was really into it, and didn't get distracted. I thought about what I would put on my altar, letting the thoughts settle into my heart, and weigh the choice. I think I'm pretty set, now. Once the music kicked back in to signal the end of the meditating session, I felt very good about the whole experience.
It doesn't surprise me that music seems to be the key to my ability to calm my mind. If I can't sleep because my mind is racing, I usually do a breathing exercise while listening to a song I discovered a few years ago, "Overboard" by the band Matthew. (#2 on the list) It always calmed my mind enough for me to fall asleep before the song was even over. Music is such a huge part of my being that I really should have thought of trying to use music during my meditation sooner. I found those CDs, and had one of those facepalm moments.
All in all, there's been a lot to take in lately. It's been good.
The first was that I walked into my church to practice my horn, and saw this funky table-like thing at the entrance to the sanctuary. It had a sign on it, and once I got the lights turned on, I saw that it was an altar, made by a local artist. The art gallery, which is one of the church's ministries, currently has a show called "Ashes and Altars," altars and cremation urns, among other sacred relics created by David Orth. You can see information here.
I've said it before, but I really have never though about altars. I only remember the whole do-not-worship-idols thing, and I think I always associated objects on an altar being idol-worshiping. Thinking about it more now, and having read the course's suggestions on altar-building, I do not believe that. I like the thought that I can have objects on my altar that represent different ways I feel close to God. I plan on going to the art show when it is open on Sunday, and taking a look at these altars and relics, and consider them in a different light than I would have before this course.
I picked up a packet about the art gallery, and discovered they are also having an altar-creation class on March 17. "Having a sacred space in the home can aid greatly in ones spiritual journey. In this workshop, you will learn about home altars, their history and uses in various cultures, ways in which a home altar can nurture your spiritual life, along with what to include on your altar." YAY! Consider me workshop-bound. I've been meditating, and considering what items to put on my altar, and will probably put them on there before the workshop, but it will be interesting to see what I come up with, and what the workshop talks about.
Another series of events hosted by the gallery will be multiple days of Centering Prayer: "Lent is a time for reflection, introspection on the meaning of our faith, and what it means to be a disciple of Christ... to take up our own cross and follow him. The mystics have long embraced centering prayer as a non-verbal discipline to become aware, alert, and present to the workings of the spirit as it moves through us." There are multiple 30-minute sessions on Saturday mornings, and I'm planning on attending at least one session. 9 am is a bit early for me, so I have to work myself into getting up that early. If I went tomorrow morning, I'd just fall asleep. However, I'm hoping that the few sessions I may be able to make will help me with my meditating issues.
Speaking of meditating... I came across 2 CDs of music that I got during a class on Gandharva meditation (I believe that's what it was called) that I did during my undergrad. I was told it would help immensely with my music studies, but either I didn't practice it enough, or I just wasn't ready for that kind of centering yet. Either way, I uploaded the discs to iTunes, and used the evening version for my meditation today. I immediately noticed a difference: having noise-reducing ear buds in cut out a lot of the piano "music" coming from downstairs. My dad didn't come knock on my door immediately, like he did last time I tried to meditate. The music helped me to calm my mind, giving me something to hear while I did the breathing exercise. Once the music cut out for about a 15-minute meditation session, I was really into it, and didn't get distracted. I thought about what I would put on my altar, letting the thoughts settle into my heart, and weigh the choice. I think I'm pretty set, now. Once the music kicked back in to signal the end of the meditating session, I felt very good about the whole experience.
It doesn't surprise me that music seems to be the key to my ability to calm my mind. If I can't sleep because my mind is racing, I usually do a breathing exercise while listening to a song I discovered a few years ago, "Overboard" by the band Matthew. (#2 on the list) It always calmed my mind enough for me to fall asleep before the song was even over. Music is such a huge part of my being that I really should have thought of trying to use music during my meditation sooner. I found those CDs, and had one of those facepalm moments.
All in all, there's been a lot to take in lately. It's been good.
Tuesday, February 28, 2012
Tattoo Design
Dianne Sylvan's post about her tattoos inspired me to post about my tattoo design. She recently got a tattoo of a phoenix, and that is a huge part of the design I've wanted for a couple of years. The plan is for the tattoo to crawl up my left side, from hip to underarm. It's gonna be a biggie. I wanted to do full back, with the flames coming over my shoulders, but my career may make me wear a formal dress, and the 80-year old patrons of classical music rarely approve of tattoos. My side will be my compromise. :-)
I did a sketch in 2009 of an idea, but couldn't figure out how to do the flames, or which direction the bird should be facing. I've read The Hunger Games, so I was familiar with the mockingjay pin that is on the covers. However, it wasn't until the movie posters started coming out that I felt inspired by the bird and the flames. The first time I saw the pin burst into flames during the preview, I knew that was my tattoo.
The bird is a phoenix, which dies in flames, and is resurrected from the ashes. Resurrection has always been a key tenet of my belief system, so the phoenix enveloping the trinity symbol is very meaningful to me: Death cannot hold me, I will live again with God.
The compass rose has been a tattoo dream of mine for longer than I can remember. I love to travel, and seem to do a lot of it. I am almost never in one place for more than a month at a time. I travel regularly to Guatemala, and spent 5 months in Chile, where I traveled to Argentina, also. I want to see as much of the world as I can. It used to also symbolize the spread of the Word of God, but that's not its symbology so much anymore with me. I would say that the idea is similar, but it is more spreading the idea of love (Jesus' love, if you will, or simply love) throughout the world, love and compassion.
The receipt of Module 4 today, and its mention of the elements and the compass points each element belongs to inspired me to add the Japanese symbols for the four elements to the corresponding points on the compass rose. I study Japanese Jujitsu, and it has become a very important part of my life, physically, mentally, and spiritually. My first teacher spoke frequently of the need to balance your three bodies: physical, mind, and spirit. He taught me how to balance the four elements within me, also. So, this idea has become very important in my life, along with he who taught me.
The bird has the south point of the compass rose in her mouth, grasping the fire, as she herself is on fire. Fire is my main element, and since the phoenix dies in fire, I thought it was fitting.
The text at the bottom right is from my favorite piece of music, the fourth movement (Urlicht, or Primal Light) from Mahler's Second Symphony ("Resurrection"), also in Des Knaben Wunderhorn. It is in German, but here is the translation:
O little red rose!
Man lies in the greatest need.
Man lies in the greatest suffering.
How much rather would I be in Heaven!
I came upon a broad road.
There came an angel and wanted to block my way.
Ah, no! I did not let myself be turned away!
I am of God, and to God I shall return.
Dear God will grant me a small light,
Will light my way to eternal, blissful life.
I drew the new design in my Journey Book, as the fourth entry I have made. The third entry was the text from the Mahler symphony, part of which is above. I also put in the text of the fifth movement, the finale. I almost never draw, my artistic talents being centered around music with some photography. I never seem to be able to draw or sketch anything, and that is how it has been my whole life. However, when I'm thinking about this particular design, it always seems to come out of my hands. Sure, it's not fantastic by any means, but it amazes me how great this design looks every time I try to draw it. I'm taking that as a sign that I should get this on my body one of these days...
I did a sketch in 2009 of an idea, but couldn't figure out how to do the flames, or which direction the bird should be facing. I've read The Hunger Games, so I was familiar with the mockingjay pin that is on the covers. However, it wasn't until the movie posters started coming out that I felt inspired by the bird and the flames. The first time I saw the pin burst into flames during the preview, I knew that was my tattoo.The bird is a phoenix, which dies in flames, and is resurrected from the ashes. Resurrection has always been a key tenet of my belief system, so the phoenix enveloping the trinity symbol is very meaningful to me: Death cannot hold me, I will live again with God.
The compass rose has been a tattoo dream of mine for longer than I can remember. I love to travel, and seem to do a lot of it. I am almost never in one place for more than a month at a time. I travel regularly to Guatemala, and spent 5 months in Chile, where I traveled to Argentina, also. I want to see as much of the world as I can. It used to also symbolize the spread of the Word of God, but that's not its symbology so much anymore with me. I would say that the idea is similar, but it is more spreading the idea of love (Jesus' love, if you will, or simply love) throughout the world, love and compassion.
The receipt of Module 4 today, and its mention of the elements and the compass points each element belongs to inspired me to add the Japanese symbols for the four elements to the corresponding points on the compass rose. I study Japanese Jujitsu, and it has become a very important part of my life, physically, mentally, and spiritually. My first teacher spoke frequently of the need to balance your three bodies: physical, mind, and spirit. He taught me how to balance the four elements within me, also. So, this idea has become very important in my life, along with he who taught me.
The bird has the south point of the compass rose in her mouth, grasping the fire, as she herself is on fire. Fire is my main element, and since the phoenix dies in fire, I thought it was fitting.
The text at the bottom right is from my favorite piece of music, the fourth movement (Urlicht, or Primal Light) from Mahler's Second Symphony ("Resurrection"), also in Des Knaben Wunderhorn. It is in German, but here is the translation:
O little red rose!
Man lies in the greatest need.
Man lies in the greatest suffering.
How much rather would I be in Heaven!
I came upon a broad road.
There came an angel and wanted to block my way.
Ah, no! I did not let myself be turned away!
I am of God, and to God I shall return.
Dear God will grant me a small light,
Will light my way to eternal, blissful life.
I drew the new design in my Journey Book, as the fourth entry I have made. The third entry was the text from the Mahler symphony, part of which is above. I also put in the text of the fifth movement, the finale. I almost never draw, my artistic talents being centered around music with some photography. I never seem to be able to draw or sketch anything, and that is how it has been my whole life. However, when I'm thinking about this particular design, it always seems to come out of my hands. Sure, it's not fantastic by any means, but it amazes me how great this design looks every time I try to draw it. I'm taking that as a sign that I should get this on my body one of these days...
Sunday, February 26, 2012
Meditation experience
I've been trying to meditate at home for awhile, and just haven't seemed to fall into it. There is usually some noise going on in my house (my mom teaches piano lessons) so it's hard to focus. My father also likes to come knock on my door at any time, so I get interrupted frequently.
Being a classical musician, I am frequently in a very focused state of mind for hours a day: practicing. I think it's almost meditative, in a way, because you are focused so minutely on details, and it's hard to think of other things. I regularly practice in the sanctuary of the church where I grew up, so I thought perhaps I'd bled enough energy into that area to be able to fall into actual meditation.
Yesterday, I sat up by the altar, a few feet away from where I generally set up to practice. I tried the meditation exercise from week one, which was basically just focusing on your breathing, and opening a connection to God. I really got into it this time. I finally feel like I got something out of my meditation, because I could actually still my mind and not get so distracted. I still had thoughts that flitted through my head, but I was able to simply wave at them as they passed by, rather than start to dwell on them.
I'm hoping I can transfer this experience to my home, and hopefully move along in this part of the course. Now that I seem to have had success, however, I think it will be easier to recreate the situation. I spend much more of my time in my room than I do practicing, but I don't focus on anything so hard here as I do when I'm practicing at church, so maybe it's just an energy thing. We'll see!
Something I struggle with is what to do with my eyes. I close them, but in the past, I've found that I have a tendency to drift off to sleep if I meditate with my eyes closed. I do deep breathing exercises sometimes to fall asleep, and I find that when I meditate, I fall into the deep breathing habits. Being a brass player, it's really easy to fall into that kind of breathing, since I spend so much time doing it! If I open my eyes, however, I don't know what to look at, and find my eyes wandering, which makes my mind wander even more. I'm not entirely sure how to focus my mind on just my breathing, without constantly thinking "in, out" and then I wouldn't be able to hear anything else anyone might be trying to tell me.
I'm up for advice...
Being a classical musician, I am frequently in a very focused state of mind for hours a day: practicing. I think it's almost meditative, in a way, because you are focused so minutely on details, and it's hard to think of other things. I regularly practice in the sanctuary of the church where I grew up, so I thought perhaps I'd bled enough energy into that area to be able to fall into actual meditation.
Yesterday, I sat up by the altar, a few feet away from where I generally set up to practice. I tried the meditation exercise from week one, which was basically just focusing on your breathing, and opening a connection to God. I really got into it this time. I finally feel like I got something out of my meditation, because I could actually still my mind and not get so distracted. I still had thoughts that flitted through my head, but I was able to simply wave at them as they passed by, rather than start to dwell on them.
I'm hoping I can transfer this experience to my home, and hopefully move along in this part of the course. Now that I seem to have had success, however, I think it will be easier to recreate the situation. I spend much more of my time in my room than I do practicing, but I don't focus on anything so hard here as I do when I'm practicing at church, so maybe it's just an energy thing. We'll see!
Something I struggle with is what to do with my eyes. I close them, but in the past, I've found that I have a tendency to drift off to sleep if I meditate with my eyes closed. I do deep breathing exercises sometimes to fall asleep, and I find that when I meditate, I fall into the deep breathing habits. Being a brass player, it's really easy to fall into that kind of breathing, since I spend so much time doing it! If I open my eyes, however, I don't know what to look at, and find my eyes wandering, which makes my mind wander even more. I'm not entirely sure how to focus my mind on just my breathing, without constantly thinking "in, out" and then I wouldn't be able to hear anything else anyone might be trying to tell me.
I'm up for advice...
Monday, February 20, 2012
Journal Questions
The journal questions this week are a little wonky to me. Whereas last week, the questions were ones I frequently thought about before the course, this week they are questions I've never really thought about that much.
The second question doesn't apply to where I am right now, therefore I will skip it. During the first week, we were given an assignment to clear off our altars, and meditate in front of the cleared space. If we have no altar to begin with, we were to clear a space, and meditate still. I have cleared a space, but I haven't been around much to meditate in front of it. I've never been one for altars, or meditating, but I have decided to give it a shot. I'll just be a bit behind on that one.
1. Write in your journal about a spiritual experience you’ve never felt comfortable talking about because it seemed too “out there” or “silly.” Does it sound similar to any of those discussed in this week’s material?
(This week talked about finding spiritual inspiration in weird places, such as books or TV shows) I don't generally feel comfortable talking about spiritual experiences with more than a select few people, so this question really applies to all experiences I've had. However, I can think of a few to mention here.
I practiced a system of Japanese Jujitsu during the last few months of my time in New Jersey, and was introduced to an entirely new aspect of spirituality: energy. My teacher is a Buddhist priest, and we had many other priests or Buddhists in the class. I learned basics of manipulating my own energy and that of an opponent, as well as moving meditation meant to balance the energy inside of me and surrounding me. I learned about the different elements, and how each person has an element they are most like. I learned I was fire, but my teacher thought it was very interesting that I had also mastered wind, and made it a part of myself (I'm a brass player... we breathe a lot). He taught me how to channel the energy of all the elements, to balance myself out. I haven't done this meditation in a long time, but I'm hoping to start adding it back into my daily routine. If you had asked me before I started Jujitsu, whether or not I believed in the power of this energy, or balancing of the elements, I would have said no. But now that I've seen it working, that I've seen my teacher harness this energy and hold a black-belt at bay with his little finger, I believe in it wholeheartedly. When I bring it up to people, however, they have a tendency to not believe me... So, I mostly keep it to myself.
Every time I'm on stage playing a concert is a spiritual experience for me. I always feel like there is nowhere else I'm supposed to be, that I'm doing exactly what God had planned. It doesn't get much better.
One thing that was mentioned this week resonated with me: the Kushiel's Legacy books. They have such an open yet sacred view of sexuality that it really made me think about the contemporary conservative Christian view of sexuality, and how I don't think it's what God had in mind. "Love as thou wilt" sounds a whole lot like Jesus talking about the greatest commandment being Love. Everything about those books was inspirational.
3. Imagine you’re at a party and someone asks about your spiritual practices. (It’s
a weird party. Just go with it.) How would you describe your unique flavor of Nomadism in, say, 30 words or less? Are you a Zen Druid of the Cross? Founder of
the Church of the Cupcake Yogini? Ask yourself this same question again at the end
of the Nomad course to see how your path and your priorities change.
Personal Christian, but universal theist and religious freedom advocate. (I bet that would take some explaining, but it's the closest I could think of.)
4. What is one thing a lot of people you know seem to find inspiring that you just
don’t get? Is it simply not appealing to you or are you resisting it for other reasons
(everyone’s into it so I refuse to be; it sounds too childish; I don’t want to sacrifice a chicken every Thursday because I’m a vegan)? It’s just as important to know where you don’t find inspiration as where you do – and if something feels off, it’s
important to figure out why so you’ll know what to look for in future explorations.
CONTEMPORARY CHRISTIAN PRAISE MUSIC. Seriously, people... just stop. It's painful to listen to, and painful to try to work with as a musician. I cannot affiliate myself with a church whose main form of worship involves a rock band.
I'd say meditation is something I don't really get. Perhaps I just have an incorrect view of what your brain is supposed to be doing, but I can't get mine to focus on anything. If I sit still, I think about everything going on in my life, or the book I'm reading, or what music I have to prepare, how I should be practicing rather than sitting around... I've never found much peace or guidance from meditating. Alas, I'm still giving it a go.
The second question doesn't apply to where I am right now, therefore I will skip it. During the first week, we were given an assignment to clear off our altars, and meditate in front of the cleared space. If we have no altar to begin with, we were to clear a space, and meditate still. I have cleared a space, but I haven't been around much to meditate in front of it. I've never been one for altars, or meditating, but I have decided to give it a shot. I'll just be a bit behind on that one.
1. Write in your journal about a spiritual experience you’ve never felt comfortable talking about because it seemed too “out there” or “silly.” Does it sound similar to any of those discussed in this week’s material?
(This week talked about finding spiritual inspiration in weird places, such as books or TV shows) I don't generally feel comfortable talking about spiritual experiences with more than a select few people, so this question really applies to all experiences I've had. However, I can think of a few to mention here.
I practiced a system of Japanese Jujitsu during the last few months of my time in New Jersey, and was introduced to an entirely new aspect of spirituality: energy. My teacher is a Buddhist priest, and we had many other priests or Buddhists in the class. I learned basics of manipulating my own energy and that of an opponent, as well as moving meditation meant to balance the energy inside of me and surrounding me. I learned about the different elements, and how each person has an element they are most like. I learned I was fire, but my teacher thought it was very interesting that I had also mastered wind, and made it a part of myself (I'm a brass player... we breathe a lot). He taught me how to channel the energy of all the elements, to balance myself out. I haven't done this meditation in a long time, but I'm hoping to start adding it back into my daily routine. If you had asked me before I started Jujitsu, whether or not I believed in the power of this energy, or balancing of the elements, I would have said no. But now that I've seen it working, that I've seen my teacher harness this energy and hold a black-belt at bay with his little finger, I believe in it wholeheartedly. When I bring it up to people, however, they have a tendency to not believe me... So, I mostly keep it to myself.
Every time I'm on stage playing a concert is a spiritual experience for me. I always feel like there is nowhere else I'm supposed to be, that I'm doing exactly what God had planned. It doesn't get much better.
One thing that was mentioned this week resonated with me: the Kushiel's Legacy books. They have such an open yet sacred view of sexuality that it really made me think about the contemporary conservative Christian view of sexuality, and how I don't think it's what God had in mind. "Love as thou wilt" sounds a whole lot like Jesus talking about the greatest commandment being Love. Everything about those books was inspirational.
3. Imagine you’re at a party and someone asks about your spiritual practices. (It’s
a weird party. Just go with it.) How would you describe your unique flavor of Nomadism in, say, 30 words or less? Are you a Zen Druid of the Cross? Founder of
the Church of the Cupcake Yogini? Ask yourself this same question again at the end
of the Nomad course to see how your path and your priorities change.
Personal Christian, but universal theist and religious freedom advocate. (I bet that would take some explaining, but it's the closest I could think of.)
4. What is one thing a lot of people you know seem to find inspiring that you just
don’t get? Is it simply not appealing to you or are you resisting it for other reasons
(everyone’s into it so I refuse to be; it sounds too childish; I don’t want to sacrifice a chicken every Thursday because I’m a vegan)? It’s just as important to know where you don’t find inspiration as where you do – and if something feels off, it’s
important to figure out why so you’ll know what to look for in future explorations.
CONTEMPORARY CHRISTIAN PRAISE MUSIC. Seriously, people... just stop. It's painful to listen to, and painful to try to work with as a musician. I cannot affiliate myself with a church whose main form of worship involves a rock band.
I'd say meditation is something I don't really get. Perhaps I just have an incorrect view of what your brain is supposed to be doing, but I can't get mine to focus on anything. If I sit still, I think about everything going on in my life, or the book I'm reading, or what music I have to prepare, how I should be practicing rather than sitting around... I've never found much peace or guidance from meditating. Alas, I'm still giving it a go.
Thursday, February 16, 2012
Guru Board
This week's project was to make a Guru Board. What's that, you say? I've never really considered having personal Gurus before. This took a bit of thought, and quite a bit of getting used to. At first, I thought I couldn't come up with anyone. However, I soon realized I have plenty of gurus, at least by the definition we were given. Inspiration hit, and then I was spending 3 hours trying to remember how to use Adobe Illustrator.
According to the module:
"In Eastern understanding, a guru is more than a teacher: a guru is an embodiment of the teachings, a conduit for Divine grace and wisdom... I think of my gurus as those writers, artists, and other figures who have influenced my path so strongly that I turn to their works time and
time again. They have changed my life whether I know them personally or not."
Behold!
I used the knot as my focal point, because this symbol has always meant God to me, no matter what direction my faith was taking. I'm not entirely sure why that is, but it has always been a symbol I can relate to.
The first picture I put on was a photo of me from my first Guatemala trip in 2003. The little girl in my lap, Damaris, changed my life completely. She opened my eyes to so many things that I, as a sheltered American, never realized existed. She was only 3! We spent the entire week together, we were inseparable. She made me want to change the world. She helped me realize that many parts of my faith that I thought important were really not. It was the first time LOVE truly became the focal point of my faith. I never saw her again, and often wonder what became of her and her older siblings. I like to think that their family took them back, and they are loved, but I doubt it. Damaris, along with all the other children at the orphanage Fundaniños, have had and continue to have a significant impact on my path of faith.
Margarita and Claudia are two of the caregivers from Fundaniños, the orphanage in Guatemala. Margarita has been with the woman who founded the orphanage since it began in 1992 (I believe that's the year). She has moved when it changed location, and has devoted her entire being to caring for these children who have no one else to care for them. She is likely my single most favorite person in the world. Claudia is my age, 26, and has a 12-year old son. She came to Fundaniños as a pregnant teen, after an absolutely atrocious life. I've known her since 2003, but only in 2010 did she dare tell me her life story. You cannot imagine the abuse this woman has suffered, and yet she shines with love and hope, and is a fantastic mother to her son. She told me, "My mother taught me exactly how to be a good mom. I just do the opposite of what she did." She is no longer with the orphanage, but I still see her when we go. She is truly an inspiration, in life and faith.
Arnold was my first Japanese Jujitsu teacher. He is an 8th degree blackbelt, as well as a Buddhist priest. Through him, I was introduced to a concept I had never before considered: energy. I only had a few months to learn from him before I moved, but I learned so much about the energy of our bodies, minds, and spirits, and how to balance it and use it. He taught me moving meditation, a way to manipulate the energy around me, taking it in and giving it back. It has opened up whole new avenues of communication between me and God, and I am so thankful.
Yes, Marcus is my french horn. I know gurus were supposed to be humans, but I had to put him on here. I've been playing horn since I was 9, but only started studying seriously about 5 years ago. I have learned a lot about myself through this process, and have learned the arts of patience and discipline. I also never feel closer to home and God than when I have my horn in my hands, or am on stage playing a concert.
Andrew is the lead singer of my favorite band, Project 86. The lyrics that he writes to the music composed by his bandmates never fail to reach deep down into my heart and soul. I find inspiration, hope, and understanding through his music. A few of the songs put me into a sort of trance, and going to their shows is always a very spiritual experience, being amidst a crowd of fans all screaming the words back at him. He is also an author, and has written two books of poetry, a memoir, and a book about faith. I've had numerous discussions with him, and he is the most down-to-earth guy there is. I had a crush on him for years, and when I heard he got married, I was devastated. ;-) But husband or not, he will always be able to reach my heart the way no one else ever has.
Miguel de Unamuno was a Spanish philosopher and author. He wrote a novella called San Manuel Bueno, Mártir, about three people on three different paths of faith. The symbolism is beautiful and intense, and inspired me to delve into the symbolism of my own belief. I then found an essay he wrote called Mi Religión, and for the first time, felt that someone out there understood my own personal faith:
"Y bien, se me dirá, "¿Cuál es tu religión?" Y yo responderé: mi religión es buscar la verdad en la vida y la vida en la verdad, aun a sabiendas de que no he de encontrarlas mientras viva; mi religión es luchar incesante e incansablemente con el misterio; mi religión es luchar con Dios desde el romper del alba hasta el caer de la noche, como dicen que con Él luchó Jacob. No puedo transigir con aquello del Inconocible —o Incognoscible, como escriben los pedantes— ni con aquello otro de "de aquí no pasarás". Rechazo el eterno ignorabimus. Y en todo caso, quiero trepar a lo inaccesible."
"And well, they asked me, "What is your religion?" And I replied: my religion is to seek the truth in life, and life in the truth, still knowing that I cannot find it while alive; my religion is to fight incessantly and untiring with the mystery; my religion is fight with God from the break of dawn until the fall of night, how they say He fought with Jacob. I cannot tolerate the unknown - or the impossible to know, like the pedantics write - nor with that other idea of "from here you cannot pass." I reject the eternal ignorabimus. And above all, I want to climb to the inaccessible."
Alice was one of my horn teachers. She not only taught me about horn, but about life. She had been diagnosed with stage 4 brain cancer, 8 YEARS before I met her. She underwent 5 brain surgeries, countless chemo and radiation therapies, and all sorts of experimental treatment. Through it all, she continued to teach, and be the most positive person I have ever met. She firmly believed until the day she died that she had nothing but blessings in her life. I hope to be able to live my life so positively, and affect as many people as she did.
Gustav Mahler is my favorite composer. I haven't much to say about him, other than his music is pure emotion. It inspires me every time I hear it, and makes me love to do what I do: play horn. A continual inspiration, is he.
Chris was my old youth pastor from high school. When I was in the nasty-Christian phase, he constantly questioned my thinking, made me truly think through what I believed. He played a very large role in guiding me back to the Love. In a very big way, he helped to shape the adult I've become.
Tracy is a former Senior Pastor at my home church. She came into a predominantly white, older, conservative congregation as a young, black, liberal woman. Her sermons made many angry or uncomfortable, but she was always pushing us to truly search our hearts in order to guide our beliefs. Together, she and I put on a seminar for the community called "Faith and Sexuality," all about homosexuality and the church. It was a day of panelists, testimonies and questions, and very civil discussion. We had many compliments on how it was run, and many people said they were so happy a church has finally opened up the dialogue. Tracy is the second person (after Chris) to understand my faith, and tell me it is ok, that I don't have to fit into the confines of traditional Christianity to have a relationship with God. I will forever be grateful to her for that.
According to the module:
"In Eastern understanding, a guru is more than a teacher: a guru is an embodiment of the teachings, a conduit for Divine grace and wisdom... I think of my gurus as those writers, artists, and other figures who have influenced my path so strongly that I turn to their works time and
time again. They have changed my life whether I know them personally or not."
Behold!
I used the knot as my focal point, because this symbol has always meant God to me, no matter what direction my faith was taking. I'm not entirely sure why that is, but it has always been a symbol I can relate to.The first picture I put on was a photo of me from my first Guatemala trip in 2003. The little girl in my lap, Damaris, changed my life completely. She opened my eyes to so many things that I, as a sheltered American, never realized existed. She was only 3! We spent the entire week together, we were inseparable. She made me want to change the world. She helped me realize that many parts of my faith that I thought important were really not. It was the first time LOVE truly became the focal point of my faith. I never saw her again, and often wonder what became of her and her older siblings. I like to think that their family took them back, and they are loved, but I doubt it. Damaris, along with all the other children at the orphanage Fundaniños, have had and continue to have a significant impact on my path of faith.
Margarita and Claudia are two of the caregivers from Fundaniños, the orphanage in Guatemala. Margarita has been with the woman who founded the orphanage since it began in 1992 (I believe that's the year). She has moved when it changed location, and has devoted her entire being to caring for these children who have no one else to care for them. She is likely my single most favorite person in the world. Claudia is my age, 26, and has a 12-year old son. She came to Fundaniños as a pregnant teen, after an absolutely atrocious life. I've known her since 2003, but only in 2010 did she dare tell me her life story. You cannot imagine the abuse this woman has suffered, and yet she shines with love and hope, and is a fantastic mother to her son. She told me, "My mother taught me exactly how to be a good mom. I just do the opposite of what she did." She is no longer with the orphanage, but I still see her when we go. She is truly an inspiration, in life and faith.
Arnold was my first Japanese Jujitsu teacher. He is an 8th degree blackbelt, as well as a Buddhist priest. Through him, I was introduced to a concept I had never before considered: energy. I only had a few months to learn from him before I moved, but I learned so much about the energy of our bodies, minds, and spirits, and how to balance it and use it. He taught me moving meditation, a way to manipulate the energy around me, taking it in and giving it back. It has opened up whole new avenues of communication between me and God, and I am so thankful.
Yes, Marcus is my french horn. I know gurus were supposed to be humans, but I had to put him on here. I've been playing horn since I was 9, but only started studying seriously about 5 years ago. I have learned a lot about myself through this process, and have learned the arts of patience and discipline. I also never feel closer to home and God than when I have my horn in my hands, or am on stage playing a concert.
Andrew is the lead singer of my favorite band, Project 86. The lyrics that he writes to the music composed by his bandmates never fail to reach deep down into my heart and soul. I find inspiration, hope, and understanding through his music. A few of the songs put me into a sort of trance, and going to their shows is always a very spiritual experience, being amidst a crowd of fans all screaming the words back at him. He is also an author, and has written two books of poetry, a memoir, and a book about faith. I've had numerous discussions with him, and he is the most down-to-earth guy there is. I had a crush on him for years, and when I heard he got married, I was devastated. ;-) But husband or not, he will always be able to reach my heart the way no one else ever has.
Miguel de Unamuno was a Spanish philosopher and author. He wrote a novella called San Manuel Bueno, Mártir, about three people on three different paths of faith. The symbolism is beautiful and intense, and inspired me to delve into the symbolism of my own belief. I then found an essay he wrote called Mi Religión, and for the first time, felt that someone out there understood my own personal faith:
"Y bien, se me dirá, "¿Cuál es tu religión?" Y yo responderé: mi religión es buscar la verdad en la vida y la vida en la verdad, aun a sabiendas de que no he de encontrarlas mientras viva; mi religión es luchar incesante e incansablemente con el misterio; mi religión es luchar con Dios desde el romper del alba hasta el caer de la noche, como dicen que con Él luchó Jacob. No puedo transigir con aquello del Inconocible —o Incognoscible, como escriben los pedantes— ni con aquello otro de "de aquí no pasarás". Rechazo el eterno ignorabimus. Y en todo caso, quiero trepar a lo inaccesible."
"And well, they asked me, "What is your religion?" And I replied: my religion is to seek the truth in life, and life in the truth, still knowing that I cannot find it while alive; my religion is to fight incessantly and untiring with the mystery; my religion is fight with God from the break of dawn until the fall of night, how they say He fought with Jacob. I cannot tolerate the unknown - or the impossible to know, like the pedantics write - nor with that other idea of "from here you cannot pass." I reject the eternal ignorabimus. And above all, I want to climb to the inaccessible."
Alice was one of my horn teachers. She not only taught me about horn, but about life. She had been diagnosed with stage 4 brain cancer, 8 YEARS before I met her. She underwent 5 brain surgeries, countless chemo and radiation therapies, and all sorts of experimental treatment. Through it all, she continued to teach, and be the most positive person I have ever met. She firmly believed until the day she died that she had nothing but blessings in her life. I hope to be able to live my life so positively, and affect as many people as she did.
Gustav Mahler is my favorite composer. I haven't much to say about him, other than his music is pure emotion. It inspires me every time I hear it, and makes me love to do what I do: play horn. A continual inspiration, is he.
Chris was my old youth pastor from high school. When I was in the nasty-Christian phase, he constantly questioned my thinking, made me truly think through what I believed. He played a very large role in guiding me back to the Love. In a very big way, he helped to shape the adult I've become.
Tracy is a former Senior Pastor at my home church. She came into a predominantly white, older, conservative congregation as a young, black, liberal woman. Her sermons made many angry or uncomfortable, but she was always pushing us to truly search our hearts in order to guide our beliefs. Together, she and I put on a seminar for the community called "Faith and Sexuality," all about homosexuality and the church. It was a day of panelists, testimonies and questions, and very civil discussion. We had many compliments on how it was run, and many people said they were so happy a church has finally opened up the dialogue. Tracy is the second person (after Chris) to understand my faith, and tell me it is ok, that I don't have to fit into the confines of traditional Christianity to have a relationship with God. I will forever be grateful to her for that.
Wednesday, February 15, 2012
Moments of grace.
We were encouraged in this first week to think back to times that were moments of grace, "a moment where everything clicked, and you felt yourself a part of something greater, filled with joy and gratitude, completely absorbed in the moment so that you didn’t stop to analyze how happy you were, you just…felt it. The universe filled you up, God smacked you on the bottom, and you felt yourself born into something new and beautiful and beyond words."
The first one that jumped into my mind was my first time on a mission trip to Guatemala. I was a senior in high school, and was given the opportunity to join a small work trip from my church to work for a week at an orphanage outside of Guatemala City. I wasn't sure what to expect, but I was excited because I was going to get an opportunity to use my mad AP Spanish skills. The entire week was a shock of reality, and a moment of grace. It ended up being over Ash Wednesday, and that day, we climbed a "mountain" (read: large, steep hill) with about 30 kids. As we were climbing, we realized the farmers had just burned their fields for replanting. Our pastor picked up a baggie of ashes, and we had a small Ash Wednesday service in our hotel room later that evening, with the ashes from the mountain. From that moment on, I've felt like I carry a little bit of Guatemala with me, wherever I go. I go back as often as I am able, and have been 6 times. Every week is a week-long moment of grace. There are heart-wrenching moments, when you hear the stories of the horrible abuse the children have suffered, the awful lives most have had, you see the 12-year old pregnant girl, the baby with burn scars all over her body... But then you see the woman the abused girl became, and the life she has made for herself and her son. You hear the burned baby giggle. You see the 12-year old pregnant girl smile, with a shine of hope in her eyes. That's when you know something greater is going on, and that every hug you give is coming from another power to strengthen these children through their fight for life. I always come back feeling a very strong mix of emotions: angry that I can't do more, sad that I had to leave the kids in that situation, but elated that I was able to give them something of myself, and hope for a better future.
Another moment of grace that is reoccurring is being on stage, with my french horn. I never feel more at home, never feel happier, than when I get to play beautiful music. There is one piece of music that tops all others in regards to being a moment of grace. I've been fortunate to be able to play it once in my life, and hope to play it many times in the future. Gustav Mahler called his Second Symphony the "Resurrection." The fourth movement is a mezzo-soprano solo called Urlicht, and has the most beautiful and meaningful text I've ever heard. Playing it is a moment of grace, hearing a live performance is a moment of grace, and simply listening to a recording is a moment of grace. Everything about this piece is so inspiring, and makes me feel close to God.
Click here for a video of the piece
Click here for a translation of the text
The entire symphony is fantastic, and I encourage everyone to listen to it. The Finale is spectacular, and the text to the finale is below the text to the fourth movement on the same text link above. It is my favorite piece of music, and if I could only listen to one thing for the rest of my life, I think this would be it. Everything about it touches my heart and my spirit.
The last moment of grace I'm going to mention can all be summed up in one photo:
The first one that jumped into my mind was my first time on a mission trip to Guatemala. I was a senior in high school, and was given the opportunity to join a small work trip from my church to work for a week at an orphanage outside of Guatemala City. I wasn't sure what to expect, but I was excited because I was going to get an opportunity to use my mad AP Spanish skills. The entire week was a shock of reality, and a moment of grace. It ended up being over Ash Wednesday, and that day, we climbed a "mountain" (read: large, steep hill) with about 30 kids. As we were climbing, we realized the farmers had just burned their fields for replanting. Our pastor picked up a baggie of ashes, and we had a small Ash Wednesday service in our hotel room later that evening, with the ashes from the mountain. From that moment on, I've felt like I carry a little bit of Guatemala with me, wherever I go. I go back as often as I am able, and have been 6 times. Every week is a week-long moment of grace. There are heart-wrenching moments, when you hear the stories of the horrible abuse the children have suffered, the awful lives most have had, you see the 12-year old pregnant girl, the baby with burn scars all over her body... But then you see the woman the abused girl became, and the life she has made for herself and her son. You hear the burned baby giggle. You see the 12-year old pregnant girl smile, with a shine of hope in her eyes. That's when you know something greater is going on, and that every hug you give is coming from another power to strengthen these children through their fight for life. I always come back feeling a very strong mix of emotions: angry that I can't do more, sad that I had to leave the kids in that situation, but elated that I was able to give them something of myself, and hope for a better future.
Another moment of grace that is reoccurring is being on stage, with my french horn. I never feel more at home, never feel happier, than when I get to play beautiful music. There is one piece of music that tops all others in regards to being a moment of grace. I've been fortunate to be able to play it once in my life, and hope to play it many times in the future. Gustav Mahler called his Second Symphony the "Resurrection." The fourth movement is a mezzo-soprano solo called Urlicht, and has the most beautiful and meaningful text I've ever heard. Playing it is a moment of grace, hearing a live performance is a moment of grace, and simply listening to a recording is a moment of grace. Everything about this piece is so inspiring, and makes me feel close to God.
Click here for a video of the piece
Click here for a translation of the text
The entire symphony is fantastic, and I encourage everyone to listen to it. The Finale is spectacular, and the text to the finale is below the text to the fourth movement on the same text link above. It is my favorite piece of music, and if I could only listen to one thing for the rest of my life, I think this would be it. Everything about it touches my heart and my spirit.
The last moment of grace I'm going to mention can all be summed up in one photo:
Journal questions
Here are the journal questions from the first week!
1. On the whole, has your experience with spiritual exploration been positive or negative? If it has been mostly negative, what drives you to continue?
I'd have to say my experience with spiritual exploration has had both positive and negative aspects. I've been told I'm going to hell more times than I can count, and most of the time it was simply because I was Methodist, and said accuser was some other denomination. Sadly, I turned into that kind of person for a period of time. However, looking back, I realize I was like that simply because I was trying to fit in, to do the right things, say the right things, etc, in order to be a "good" Christian. I'm glad I outgrew that phase. Right after that phase, though, I had a very long period of doubt. I would have days where I just could not get myself to believe in God, and some days where there was no doubt in my mind that there was a god. This led to me delving into what I really believed about God, myself, and the world. I went on numerous mission trips to Guatemala, and saw the horrible poverty, and spoke with so many abused children, I didn't know how God could allow this to happen. But then I'd see the kids smile, despite everything, and see the few people who give their entire lives to making things better, and I know God is working in them, and in me. I can see good people doing good things every day, regardless of their belief system. That's a huge positive.
2. Were the negative experiences you had the result of religious institutions you
disagreed with, individuals or group personality conflicts, problems with the
religion’s doctrine, or something else? What did you learn about your own spiritual needs from those experiences?
The negative experiences were from a lot of different things. I was trying so hard to be what I thought I should be, that I was ignoring what my heart was trying to tell me. I have serious issues with people who take the Bible literally. I've always believed it to be very metaphorical, and that the whole book is more like guidelines than anything, and time and evolution of culture should be taken into consideration. This got me into trouble a lot. I learned that I can gather pieces of wisdom from the church and the Bible, as well as other religions and teachers, but I truly need to delve into the depths of my own heart and conscience in order to find my path to God. Trying to be something I'm not will never work, and I don't think it's what God wants.
3. If you had to choose one thing to call God, whether a name (like Allah or Demeter) or a title (like Mother, Great Spirit, et cetera) what would you choose?
Why?
I think I'd just pick God. It's familiar to me, first of all. I don't think human languages possess the ability to truly describe God, and I don't think we really need to. I don't believe God has a specific gender, or even a form, necessarily. But being human, and having the obsessive necessity to put a label on everything, I think "God" works just fine, no matter if he/she/it has a corporeal form, or is just a floating cloud of energy, which, in fact, is what I've thought my entire life. I thought of God as a huge, unending cloud of energy, the Holy Spirit as a small one, and Jesus as the corporeal form. The whole idea of God being a big old man with a beard confused me.
4. How have you experienced Deity most often in your life: as a discrete
entity/entities, as a transcendent impersonal force, as a feeling of divine love,
something else, all of the above?
I'd have to say a feeling of divine love. Jesus says the greatest of the commandments is to love. God created us out of love. All I learned growing up at church was about love! How can we not have a loving god, when we have such a beautiful world and universe, as well as the knowledge to explore it? Yes, I very much believe God is love, no matter what form my "religion" ends up taking. Love and compassion are key. I also think God lets us wander our own paths, gently nudging us here and there, but never moving us like pieces on a chess board. You know, free will and all.
5. What is the least you need as an altar to supplement your practice? What would
be your ideal?
Honestly, I don't think I need an altar in order to connect with God. I'm open to the idea of starting an altar, as I think it would help be a reminder to try that connection, but I've never really felt disconnected. I'm unsure about this question at the moment. :-)
1. On the whole, has your experience with spiritual exploration been positive or negative? If it has been mostly negative, what drives you to continue?
I'd have to say my experience with spiritual exploration has had both positive and negative aspects. I've been told I'm going to hell more times than I can count, and most of the time it was simply because I was Methodist, and said accuser was some other denomination. Sadly, I turned into that kind of person for a period of time. However, looking back, I realize I was like that simply because I was trying to fit in, to do the right things, say the right things, etc, in order to be a "good" Christian. I'm glad I outgrew that phase. Right after that phase, though, I had a very long period of doubt. I would have days where I just could not get myself to believe in God, and some days where there was no doubt in my mind that there was a god. This led to me delving into what I really believed about God, myself, and the world. I went on numerous mission trips to Guatemala, and saw the horrible poverty, and spoke with so many abused children, I didn't know how God could allow this to happen. But then I'd see the kids smile, despite everything, and see the few people who give their entire lives to making things better, and I know God is working in them, and in me. I can see good people doing good things every day, regardless of their belief system. That's a huge positive.
2. Were the negative experiences you had the result of religious institutions you
disagreed with, individuals or group personality conflicts, problems with the
religion’s doctrine, or something else? What did you learn about your own spiritual needs from those experiences?
The negative experiences were from a lot of different things. I was trying so hard to be what I thought I should be, that I was ignoring what my heart was trying to tell me. I have serious issues with people who take the Bible literally. I've always believed it to be very metaphorical, and that the whole book is more like guidelines than anything, and time and evolution of culture should be taken into consideration. This got me into trouble a lot. I learned that I can gather pieces of wisdom from the church and the Bible, as well as other religions and teachers, but I truly need to delve into the depths of my own heart and conscience in order to find my path to God. Trying to be something I'm not will never work, and I don't think it's what God wants.
3. If you had to choose one thing to call God, whether a name (like Allah or Demeter) or a title (like Mother, Great Spirit, et cetera) what would you choose?
Why?
I think I'd just pick God. It's familiar to me, first of all. I don't think human languages possess the ability to truly describe God, and I don't think we really need to. I don't believe God has a specific gender, or even a form, necessarily. But being human, and having the obsessive necessity to put a label on everything, I think "God" works just fine, no matter if he/she/it has a corporeal form, or is just a floating cloud of energy, which, in fact, is what I've thought my entire life. I thought of God as a huge, unending cloud of energy, the Holy Spirit as a small one, and Jesus as the corporeal form. The whole idea of God being a big old man with a beard confused me.
4. How have you experienced Deity most often in your life: as a discrete
entity/entities, as a transcendent impersonal force, as a feeling of divine love,
something else, all of the above?
I'd have to say a feeling of divine love. Jesus says the greatest of the commandments is to love. God created us out of love. All I learned growing up at church was about love! How can we not have a loving god, when we have such a beautiful world and universe, as well as the knowledge to explore it? Yes, I very much believe God is love, no matter what form my "religion" ends up taking. Love and compassion are key. I also think God lets us wander our own paths, gently nudging us here and there, but never moving us like pieces on a chess board. You know, free will and all.
5. What is the least you need as an altar to supplement your practice? What would
be your ideal?
Honestly, I don't think I need an altar in order to connect with God. I'm open to the idea of starting an altar, as I think it would help be a reminder to try that connection, but I've never really felt disconnected. I'm unsure about this question at the moment. :-)
Sunday, February 12, 2012
Path of Faith
For our first project, we were to make a path of faith. We were to take a piece of paper and in one corner write "Born" with a circle around it. In the opposite corner, we were to do the same with "Died." In between, we were supposed to write events that changed the course of our lives, or played an important role in our lives, draw circles around them, and draw a line connecting the circles. We were then to somehow label our faith practices at the time of each event, traveling through our lives. Finally, we were to write a big x with "You are Here!" designating where we are currently on our paths.
I've never been anything but Christian, but my faith has morphed throughout the years. I started childhood as United Methodist, happy in that faith as children usually are. Once middle school hit, I met some friends who were from the "real" churches, and was told that even though I'd believed in Jesus my entire life, I wasn't a "real" christian because I hadn't sat down and said the right sentence to invite him into my heart. So, I did. Therefore, I converted to a religion I already believed in. But, that's neither here nor there. I became one of those uppity snobby christians, and happily told others all about Jesus and how they might be going to hell if they didn't believe in him. I even told my best friend in High School that I was going to get her to convert if it's the last thing I do (she never did, and honestly, I'm glad). Towards the end of high school I started realizing I really didn't like being like that, and that's not the kind of faith I truly believe in. I also went on a mission/work trip to an orphanage in Guatemala, which changed my perspective on... well... everything. So, I started moving away from that, and became what I think of as a liberal Christian, or a hippie christian. College saw frequent periods of doubt, and I had stopped attending church all together. I still went on yearly mission trips to Guatemala, and have been 6 times. I finally realized that God is real, but he has a different relationship with each and every person. I cannot judge how anyone worships, or doesn't worship. It's up to God. So I now think of myself as a Wandering Christian, because even though I still adhere to the label, I think many christians would shun me for what I believe. But I think God and I are ok.
Sunday, February 5, 2012
Welcome!
Welcome to my Spiritual Nomad blog!
I'm taking an ecourse designed by author Diane Sylvan, about finding your own spirituality. I've long believed that organized religions don't have it quite right, and adhered to the belief that your faith is between you and God, not you and anyone else. I've felt for awhile I do not quite fit in with any particular belief, because I think that regardless of what I believe personally, it's not right for everyone. There is no one way to God.
From Diane Sylvan's page about the course:
I'm taking an ecourse designed by author Diane Sylvan, about finding your own spirituality. I've long believed that organized religions don't have it quite right, and adhered to the belief that your faith is between you and God, not you and anyone else. I've felt for awhile I do not quite fit in with any particular belief, because I think that regardless of what I believe personally, it's not right for everyone. There is no one way to God.
From Diane Sylvan's page about the course:
"The concept behind Spiritual Nomadism is that not everyone is suited to pick a single tradition and stick with it forever. Spirituality is an ever-evolving thing, and while some folk can do that within the structure of one religion—which is awesome for them—some of us always have a weather eye on the horizon. We learn a bit here, and a bit there, and gather tools and souvenirs from every tradition we visit, but ultimately we prefer to keep on walking and do our own thing.
Neither of these approaches is right or wrong, but there isn’t just a whole lot of help out there for people who want to draw their own maps instead of sticking to the guided tour. I found that, when I could no longer reasonably call myself Wiccan, I was sort of floating in the Sea of Muddled Eclecticism, and I had to tread water for quite a while. I might not be able to drag you to dry land, but I can help you blow up your water wings."
This blog is where I'll be posting my responses to the course, both in our "assignments" and my general thoughts.
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