Meditation Frustration

I've learned a few things about meditating lately:

1. Do NOT light a candle. Migraines will ensue (smoke of any kind being a major trigger).

2. It's impossible to meditate when other people are home, because someone is bound to come knock on your door at least once.

3. Turn everything to "silent" mode, except the music.

4. This whole altar thing really isn't doing it for me.

5. When meditation/prayer actually works out, and I'm able to get into the "zone" uninterrupted, I do get some pretty nice insight. I have been praying a lot for guidance lately, because of some developments in my life, and found that thinking things through while meditating and praying helps me hone in on what decisions to make, and how I really feel about things.

So, I think I'll put meditation away for the most part for right now, unless I'm home alone. Since that rarely happens, I don't think it will be a big part of my spiritual life right now. I'm just not in a place in my life where I feel it will be the most beneficial. I'm going to go back to module 3, which was where I mostly left off, and try to get as much out of them as I can, without having the meditation focal point. Someday, when I live by myself again, I will likely bring all of this back out and try again. I feel like it could be really helpful not only in my spiritual life, but in my professional life, being able to bring myself to center before auditions and performances.

Another issue I've been running into was just designating time to meditate. I've been struggling with time management since I left school last May, and have been unemployed. It was so easy to create a schedule when you had certain things at certain times every day, and had to plan around them. I don't have that anymore. However, I just got a job for the summer, so I'm hoping I can come up with some sort of routine. Perhaps I'll include meditation in that routine, at least a couple times a week.

Message from a memorial service

For God alone my soul waits in silence;
From him comes my salvation.
He alone is my rock and my salvation,
my fortress; I shall never be shaken.

How long will you assail a person,
will you batter your victim, all of you,
as you would a leaning wall, a tottering fence?
Their only plan is to bring down a person of prominence.
They take pleasure in falsehood;
They bless with their mouths, but inwardly they curse.

For God alone my soul waits in silence,
for my hope is from him.
He alone is my rock and my salvation,
my fortress; I shall not be shaken
On God rests my deliverance and my honor;
My mighty rock, my refuge is in God.

Trust in him at all times, O people;
Pour out your heart before him;
God is a refuge for us.

Those of low estate are but a breath,
those of high estate are a delusion;
In the balances they go up;
They are together lighter than a breath.
Put no confidence in extortion,
And set no vain hopes on robbery;
If riches increase, do not set your heart on them.

Once God has spoken;
Twice I have heard this:
That power belongs to God,
And steadfast love belongs to you, O Lord.
For you repay to all
According to their work.

-Psalm 62

Catching up

I'm going to try to do some catch up with the meditation aspect of the Nomad course, before I do the finishing weeks' modules. I just feel that they revolve so much around this aspect of practice that I can't really complete them without having done the practice.

I'll probably be posting about random experiences between now and then, but in case I'm not here for awhile, that's why.

Family love

Something happened a few days ago that still fills my heart to the brim with love and joy, and it was such a simple little thing. But I can't get it out of my head, so I thought I'd share. It definitely falls into the category of "moment of grace."

This is my 2 1/2 year old nephew. He is rather tall for his age, however, that is a mini french horn that I acquired a couple of years ago. He was too scared to touch my full-size horn, but when I pulled this out, he fell in love. He put his right hand in the bell, and his left hand where you see it, without me having to instruct him! He then proceeded to blow into the mouthpiece (with a very good set-up, if I might add), and make some nice little sounds. He grinned after every sound, and told us happily that he had just played "Twinkle Twinkle" or "ABC" or some other song that is generally longer than one note. This occupied a good hour of our time, and I loved every second of it.

I've never wanted to teach my instrument, not to anyone. But I had this moment where I wanted to teach him how to play so badly I could hardly contain it. I wanted to share this incredibly important part of myself with him. Since he's 2, that's not really possible right now. But maybe someday... I have hope. He already shows talent. He even created a "trombone" out of a little slide whistle, and ran around the house saying "trombone!" and playing a little note. It's pretty freaking adorable.

But the really important thing happened later that evening. We were all together celebrating my grandfather's 88th birthday, and had gone out to dinner. My older brother (this kid's father) found out as we were leaving the restaurant that a friend's father had just passed away. He knew the man very well, and was obviously upset. Patrick told his mom that Daddy looks sad, and reached out, transferring to my brother's arms, and said "It's ok, Daddy." I about started to weep.

When we got back to the house, they decided Patrick would stay with us while Mommy and Daddy went to the hospital for their friend. Mommy was about to read him a bedtime story, but I asked him if I could read to him. Normally, when I ask if I can do something with him, he immediately says "no" and won't do it. But he climbed out of Mommy's lap, and ran over and climbed up in mine. I got to read him two bedtime stories as he cuddled on my lap.

I really can't describe what I was feeling during that moment, because I've never felt it before. I can only assume it's what would be called a "maternal" feeling, however I've never felt particularly maternal before, so I don't know. All I do know is that I felt so much love for that child, and could feel his little 2-year old self full of love, joy, curiosity, and all other toddler feelings, and it was just a happy moment.

I never realized bedtime stories about Thomas the tank engine and the Bernstein Bears could be so important.

How do you pray?

Week 3 was all about prayer. The previous weeks were based on meditation, the listening side of the conversation between you and God, and this week was about the talking side of the conversation. After discussing prayer for a bit, Dianne asked "When you come before God to speak, how do you pray?"After a few examples "Do you pray like a poet? ...an artist? ... a dancer?" she says this paragraph, which I personally find rather profound:

"The exact method you use to communicate with Deity isn’t as important as
whether that method is appropriate for you and that you do it authentically. It’s way
better to spend five minutes deeply in touch with God through jumping on a pogo
stick than an hour faking it in church. What matters is the sincerity of your prayer,
the authenticity of your voice, the depth of your longing to feel the Holy Whoa of
God touch your life and lift you up in ways you can’t articulate."

I probably spent a good 5 years where I prayed maybe two or three times the entire year. I say "prayer" in that sense as sitting down, and truly speaking mind-to-God. There were plenty of times where I thought at God, or pondered the divine order of things, etc., but actually sitting down and saying "Dear Lord, blah blah blah" was rare.

I also haven't been a regular church-goer since high school. Since then, away from the church where I grew up, I always felt my presence wasn't authentic, my reasons for being there were skewed, and the whole thing was messed up. As Sylvan said, I was faking it. I wasn't sincere. I think that's why I mostly stopped praying, too, because for a long time, I wasn't convinced my prayers were being heard by anyone.

I did, however, have this tendency to put any emotion I was feeling into my music. I still do. If I'm feeling a certain way, or hoping for a certain outcome, or a friend is in pain, etc., I find a piece of music that conveys exactly how I'm feeling. Now that I play in a sanctuary of a church almost on a daily basis, I feel like that's my prayer. The next week's module talks about acting on your prayers (e.g. applying for a job, you call them, and work to get the job, not just try to let it happen), and it kinda hit home with the whole musical prayer thing that I've been pondering. I want a music job. I want to be in an orchestra. I put that desire into my music, and I work my butt off to be good enough on my instrument to get and keep that job.

I've also said before that my practice sessions tend to be meditative, also, since I'm so focused on what I'm doing, and nothing else really matters at the time.

How do I pray? I pray as a musician. I put my prayer through about 18 feet of brass tubing, and let it ring for anyone to hear. I put my discipline, my hope, my confidence, into that metal. I've become so attached to it, in fact, that I no longer sing anywhere but my car, and that's only if I'm alone and the windows are rolled up. My horn is not just my instrument, but it has become my true voice. Prayer doesn't get much more personal than that. "What matters is the sincerity of your prayer, the authenticity of your voice, the depth of your longing to feel the Holy Whoa of God touch your life and lift you up in ways you can’t articulate."

She goes on to talk about 10 common ways to pray, which brought up another thought. The second way on the list was Mudras. I hadn't heard of mudras until I started Jujitsu in New Jersey, and my teacher taught me different energy katas. Each kata had a mudra to go with it, designed to harness and focus different energies. I suppose that is a different way of praying, because every Mudra, every kata, has a different purpose for the self: health, balance, knowledge, intuition, making yourself invisible to your enemies, etc. Each is a form of prayer, but I never thought of it that way. I guess I'll really have to start doing the katas again!

The project from week 3 was to create a journey book, which I've already mentioned in a couple of posts. We are to collect quotes, photos, art, etc that speak to us spiritually. I'm quite happily adding to my journey book close to every day. It has been my favorite project so far, and I found a beautiful journal of a woman sitting under a cherry tree for my book.

Journal questions:

1. When you were a child, did you have to learn and recite any prayers? Do you still remember them? What meaning do they hold for you now versus what you thought they meant as a child?

I remember one year in Sunday School, I think it was third grade, we had all the words from the Lord's Prayer on little pieces of paper the table, and we were supposed to put the words in order. It was probably the first prayer I learned by heart. It has stuck with me for so many years, even when I wasn't sure about Christianity, but was sure about God, because it doesn't mention Jesus. However, Jesus was the one who gave us the prayer. When I wasn't sure what to say to pray, it was my go-to prayer. I now recite it frequently, at the end of meditation, when I'm trying to pray for someone, etc. I don't tend to think "Dear God, please help so-and-so through this hard time they are having." I just think about whoever needs some help/guidance/love, and say the Lord's Prayer, and figure God knows what I mean.


The rest of the Journal questions were about listing books that have been influential to us on our spiritual journeys. I didn't really read any, actually. I've read quite a bit of the Bible, but have personal and historical issues with the book, so I don't find it to be quite as inspiring in my faith as many seem to. But it's really the only book about any kind of faith that I've read. I found a book about Buddhism at a used book store that I want to start reading. I just have this serious problem with starting non-fiction books and never finishing them. I made it one of my goals for this year to read a non-fiction book every month, but so far, I'm halfway through one. And it's March. I'm not doing so hot.

Must be a sign...

Since starting this course, a lot of things have been happening around me, and I think I need to take a look at them more closely. It seems fitting, since we are in the season of Lent, a time traditionally devoted to reflect on our faith and meditating on what that means.

The first was that I walked into my church to practice my horn, and saw this funky table-like thing at the entrance to the sanctuary. It had a sign on it, and once I got the lights turned on, I saw that it was an altar, made by a local artist. The art gallery, which is one of the church's ministries, currently has a show called "Ashes and Altars," altars and cremation urns, among other sacred relics created by David Orth. You can see information here.

I've said it before, but I really have never though about altars. I only remember the whole do-not-worship-idols thing, and I think I always associated objects on an altar being idol-worshiping. Thinking about it more now, and having read the course's suggestions on altar-building, I do not believe that. I like the thought that I can have objects on my altar that represent different ways I feel close to God. I plan on going to the art show when it is open on Sunday, and taking a look at these altars and relics, and consider them in a different light than I would have before this course.

I picked up a packet about the art gallery, and discovered they are also having an altar-creation class on March 17. "Having a sacred space in the home can aid greatly in ones spiritual journey. In this workshop, you will learn about home altars, their history and uses in various cultures, ways in which a home altar can nurture your spiritual life, along with what to include on your altar." YAY! Consider me workshop-bound. I've been meditating, and considering what items to put on my altar, and will probably put them on there before the workshop, but it will be interesting to see what I come up with, and what the workshop talks about.

Another series of events hosted by the gallery will be multiple days of Centering Prayer: "Lent is a time for reflection, introspection on the meaning of our faith, and what it means to be a disciple of Christ... to take up our own cross and follow him. The mystics have long embraced centering prayer as a non-verbal discipline to become aware, alert, and present to the workings of the spirit as it moves through us." There are multiple 30-minute sessions on Saturday mornings, and I'm planning on attending at least one session. 9 am is a bit early for me, so I have to work myself into getting up that early. If I went tomorrow morning, I'd just fall asleep. However, I'm hoping that the few sessions I may be able to make will help me with my meditating issues.

Speaking of meditating... I came across 2 CDs of music that I got during a class on Gandharva meditation (I believe that's what it was called) that I did during my undergrad. I was told it would help immensely with my music studies, but either I didn't practice it enough, or I just wasn't ready for that kind of centering yet. Either way, I uploaded the discs to iTunes, and used the evening version for my meditation today. I immediately noticed a difference: having noise-reducing ear buds in cut out a lot of the piano "music" coming from downstairs. My dad didn't come knock on my door immediately, like he did last time I tried to meditate. The music helped me to calm my mind, giving me something to hear while I did the breathing exercise. Once the music cut out for about a 15-minute meditation session, I was really into it, and didn't get distracted. I thought about what I would put on my altar, letting the thoughts settle into my heart, and weigh the choice. I think I'm pretty set, now. Once the music kicked back in to signal the end of the meditating session, I felt very good about the whole experience.

It doesn't surprise me that music seems to be the key to my ability to calm my mind. If I can't sleep because my mind is racing, I usually do a breathing exercise while listening to a song I discovered a few years ago, "Overboard" by the band Matthew. (#2 on the list) It always calmed my mind enough for me to fall asleep before the song was even over. Music is such a huge part of my being that I really should have thought of trying to use music during my meditation sooner. I found those CDs, and had one of those facepalm moments.

All in all, there's been a lot to take in lately. It's been good.

Tattoo Design

Dianne Sylvan's post about her tattoos inspired me to post about my tattoo design. She recently got a tattoo of a phoenix, and that is a huge part of the design I've wanted for a couple of years. The plan is for the tattoo to crawl up my left side, from hip to underarm. It's gonna be a biggie. I wanted to do full back, with the flames coming over my shoulders, but my career may make me wear a formal dress, and the 80-year old patrons of classical music rarely approve of tattoos. My side will be my compromise. :-)


I did a sketch in 2009 of an idea, but couldn't figure out how to do the flames, or which direction the bird should be facing. I've read The Hunger Games, so I was familiar with the mockingjay pin that is on the covers. However, it wasn't until the movie posters started coming out that I felt inspired by the bird and the flames. The first time I saw the pin burst into flames during the preview, I knew that was my tattoo.

The bird is a phoenix, which dies in flames, and is resurrected from the ashes. Resurrection has always been a key tenet of my belief system, so the phoenix enveloping the trinity symbol is very meaningful to me: Death cannot hold me, I will live again with God.

The compass rose has been a tattoo dream of mine for longer than I can remember. I love to travel, and seem to do a lot of it. I am almost never in one place for more than a month at a time. I travel regularly to Guatemala, and spent 5 months in Chile, where I traveled to Argentina, also. I want to see as much of the world as I can. It used to also symbolize the spread of the Word of God, but that's not its symbology so much anymore with me. I would say that the idea is similar, but it is more spreading the idea of love (Jesus' love, if you will, or simply love) throughout the world, love and compassion.

The receipt of Module 4 today, and its mention of the elements and the compass points each element belongs to inspired me to add the Japanese symbols for the four elements to the corresponding points on the compass rose. I study Japanese Jujitsu, and it has become a very important part of my life, physically, mentally, and spiritually. My first teacher spoke frequently of the need to balance your three bodies: physical, mind, and spirit. He taught me how to balance the four elements within me, also. So, this idea has become very important in my life, along with he who taught me.

The bird has the south point of the compass rose in her mouth, grasping the fire, as she herself is on fire. Fire is my main element, and since the phoenix dies in fire, I thought it was fitting.

The text at the bottom right is from my favorite piece of music, the fourth movement (Urlicht, or Primal Light) from Mahler's Second Symphony ("Resurrection"), also in Des Knaben Wunderhorn. It is in German, but here is the translation:

O little red rose!
Man lies in the greatest need.
Man lies in the greatest suffering.
How much rather would I be in Heaven!
I came upon a broad road.
There came an angel and wanted to block my way.
Ah, no! I did not let myself be turned away!
I am of God, and to God I shall return.
Dear God will grant me a small light,
Will light my way to eternal, blissful life.

I drew the new design in my Journey Book, as the fourth entry I have made. The third entry was the text from the Mahler symphony, part of which is above. I also put in the text of the fifth movement, the finale. I almost never draw, my artistic talents being centered around music with some photography. I never seem to be able to draw or sketch anything, and that is how it has been my whole life. However, when I'm thinking about this particular design, it always seems to come out of my hands. Sure, it's not fantastic by any means, but it amazes me how great this design looks every time I try to draw it. I'm taking that as a sign that I should get this on my body one of these days...