How do you pray?

Week 3 was all about prayer. The previous weeks were based on meditation, the listening side of the conversation between you and God, and this week was about the talking side of the conversation. After discussing prayer for a bit, Dianne asked "When you come before God to speak, how do you pray?"After a few examples "Do you pray like a poet? ...an artist? ... a dancer?" she says this paragraph, which I personally find rather profound:

"The exact method you use to communicate with Deity isn’t as important as
whether that method is appropriate for you and that you do it authentically. It’s way
better to spend five minutes deeply in touch with God through jumping on a pogo
stick than an hour faking it in church. What matters is the sincerity of your prayer,
the authenticity of your voice, the depth of your longing to feel the Holy Whoa of
God touch your life and lift you up in ways you can’t articulate."

I probably spent a good 5 years where I prayed maybe two or three times the entire year. I say "prayer" in that sense as sitting down, and truly speaking mind-to-God. There were plenty of times where I thought at God, or pondered the divine order of things, etc., but actually sitting down and saying "Dear Lord, blah blah blah" was rare.

I also haven't been a regular church-goer since high school. Since then, away from the church where I grew up, I always felt my presence wasn't authentic, my reasons for being there were skewed, and the whole thing was messed up. As Sylvan said, I was faking it. I wasn't sincere. I think that's why I mostly stopped praying, too, because for a long time, I wasn't convinced my prayers were being heard by anyone.

I did, however, have this tendency to put any emotion I was feeling into my music. I still do. If I'm feeling a certain way, or hoping for a certain outcome, or a friend is in pain, etc., I find a piece of music that conveys exactly how I'm feeling. Now that I play in a sanctuary of a church almost on a daily basis, I feel like that's my prayer. The next week's module talks about acting on your prayers (e.g. applying for a job, you call them, and work to get the job, not just try to let it happen), and it kinda hit home with the whole musical prayer thing that I've been pondering. I want a music job. I want to be in an orchestra. I put that desire into my music, and I work my butt off to be good enough on my instrument to get and keep that job.

I've also said before that my practice sessions tend to be meditative, also, since I'm so focused on what I'm doing, and nothing else really matters at the time.

How do I pray? I pray as a musician. I put my prayer through about 18 feet of brass tubing, and let it ring for anyone to hear. I put my discipline, my hope, my confidence, into that metal. I've become so attached to it, in fact, that I no longer sing anywhere but my car, and that's only if I'm alone and the windows are rolled up. My horn is not just my instrument, but it has become my true voice. Prayer doesn't get much more personal than that. "What matters is the sincerity of your prayer, the authenticity of your voice, the depth of your longing to feel the Holy Whoa of God touch your life and lift you up in ways you can’t articulate."

She goes on to talk about 10 common ways to pray, which brought up another thought. The second way on the list was Mudras. I hadn't heard of mudras until I started Jujitsu in New Jersey, and my teacher taught me different energy katas. Each kata had a mudra to go with it, designed to harness and focus different energies. I suppose that is a different way of praying, because every Mudra, every kata, has a different purpose for the self: health, balance, knowledge, intuition, making yourself invisible to your enemies, etc. Each is a form of prayer, but I never thought of it that way. I guess I'll really have to start doing the katas again!

The project from week 3 was to create a journey book, which I've already mentioned in a couple of posts. We are to collect quotes, photos, art, etc that speak to us spiritually. I'm quite happily adding to my journey book close to every day. It has been my favorite project so far, and I found a beautiful journal of a woman sitting under a cherry tree for my book.

Journal questions:

1. When you were a child, did you have to learn and recite any prayers? Do you still remember them? What meaning do they hold for you now versus what you thought they meant as a child?

I remember one year in Sunday School, I think it was third grade, we had all the words from the Lord's Prayer on little pieces of paper the table, and we were supposed to put the words in order. It was probably the first prayer I learned by heart. It has stuck with me for so many years, even when I wasn't sure about Christianity, but was sure about God, because it doesn't mention Jesus. However, Jesus was the one who gave us the prayer. When I wasn't sure what to say to pray, it was my go-to prayer. I now recite it frequently, at the end of meditation, when I'm trying to pray for someone, etc. I don't tend to think "Dear God, please help so-and-so through this hard time they are having." I just think about whoever needs some help/guidance/love, and say the Lord's Prayer, and figure God knows what I mean.


The rest of the Journal questions were about listing books that have been influential to us on our spiritual journeys. I didn't really read any, actually. I've read quite a bit of the Bible, but have personal and historical issues with the book, so I don't find it to be quite as inspiring in my faith as many seem to. But it's really the only book about any kind of faith that I've read. I found a book about Buddhism at a used book store that I want to start reading. I just have this serious problem with starting non-fiction books and never finishing them. I made it one of my goals for this year to read a non-fiction book every month, but so far, I'm halfway through one. And it's March. I'm not doing so hot.

Guru Board

This week's project was to make a Guru Board. What's that, you say? I've never really considered having personal Gurus before. This took a bit of thought, and quite a bit of getting used to. At first, I thought I couldn't come up with anyone. However, I soon realized I have plenty of gurus, at least by the definition we were given. Inspiration hit, and then I was spending 3 hours trying to remember how to use Adobe Illustrator.

According to the module:

"In Eastern understanding, a guru is more than a teacher: a guru is an embodiment of the teachings, a conduit for Divine grace and wisdom... I think of my gurus as those writers, artists, and other figures who have influenced my path so strongly that I turn to their works time and
time again. They have changed my life whether I know them personally or not."

Behold!
I used the knot as my focal point, because this symbol has always meant God to me, no matter what direction my faith was taking. I'm not entirely sure why that is, but it has always been a symbol I can relate to.

The first picture I put on was a photo of me from my first Guatemala trip in 2003. The little girl in my lap, Damaris, changed my life completely. She opened my eyes to so many things that I, as a sheltered American, never realized existed. She was only 3! We spent the entire week together, we were inseparable. She made me want to change the world. She helped me realize that many parts of my faith that I thought important were really not. It was the first time LOVE truly became the focal point of my faith. I never saw her again, and often wonder what became of her and her older siblings. I like to think that their family took them back, and they are loved, but I doubt it. Damaris, along with all the other children at the orphanage Fundaniños, have had and continue to have a significant impact on my path of faith.

Margarita and Claudia are two of the caregivers from Fundaniños, the orphanage in Guatemala. Margarita has been with the woman who founded the orphanage since it began in 1992 (I believe that's the year). She has moved when it changed location, and has devoted her entire being to caring for these children who have no one else to care for them. She is likely my single most favorite person in the world. Claudia is my age, 26, and has a 12-year old son. She came to Fundaniños as a pregnant teen, after an absolutely atrocious life. I've known her since 2003, but only in 2010 did she dare tell me her life story. You cannot imagine the abuse this woman has suffered, and yet she shines with love and hope, and is a fantastic mother to her son. She told me, "My mother taught me exactly how to be a good mom. I just do the opposite of what she did." She is no longer with the orphanage, but I still see her when we go. She is truly an inspiration, in life and faith.

Arnold was my first Japanese Jujitsu teacher. He is an 8th degree blackbelt, as well as a Buddhist priest. Through him, I was introduced to a concept I had never before considered: energy. I only had a few months to learn from him before I moved, but I learned so much about the energy of our bodies, minds, and spirits, and how to balance it and use it. He taught me moving meditation, a way to manipulate the energy around me, taking it in and giving it back. It has opened up whole new avenues of communication between me and God, and I am so thankful.

Yes, Marcus is my french horn. I know gurus were supposed to be humans, but I had to put him on here. I've been playing horn since I was 9, but only started studying seriously about 5 years ago. I have learned a lot about myself through this process, and have learned the arts of patience and discipline. I also never feel closer to home and God than when I have my horn in my hands, or am on stage playing a concert.

Andrew is the lead singer of my favorite band, Project 86. The lyrics that he writes to the music composed by his bandmates never fail to reach deep down into my heart and soul. I find inspiration, hope, and understanding through his music. A few of the songs put me into a sort of trance, and going to their shows is always a very spiritual experience, being amidst a crowd of fans all screaming the words back at him. He is also an author, and has written two books of poetry, a memoir, and a book about faith. I've had numerous discussions with him, and he is the most down-to-earth guy there is. I had a crush on him for years, and when I heard he got married, I was devastated. ;-) But husband or not, he will always be able to reach my heart the way no one else ever has.

Miguel de Unamuno was a Spanish philosopher and author. He wrote a novella called San Manuel Bueno, Mártir, about three people on three different paths of faith. The symbolism is beautiful and intense, and inspired me to delve into the symbolism of my own belief. I then found an essay he wrote called Mi Religión, and for the first time, felt that someone out there understood my own personal faith:

"Y bien, se me dirá, "¿Cuál es tu religión?" Y yo responderé: mi religión es buscar la verdad en la vida y la vida en la verdad, aun a sabiendas de que no he de encontrarlas mientras viva; mi religión es luchar incesante e incansablemente con el misterio; mi religión es luchar con Dios desde el romper del alba hasta el caer de la noche, como dicen que con Él luchó Jacob. No puedo transigir con aquello del Inconocible —o Incognoscible, como escriben los pedantes— ni con aquello otro de "de aquí no pasarás". Rechazo el eterno ignorabimus. Y en todo caso, quiero trepar a lo inaccesible."

"And well, they asked me, "What is your religion?" And I replied: my religion is to seek the truth in life, and life in the truth, still knowing that I cannot find it while alive; my religion is to fight incessantly and untiring with the mystery; my religion is fight with God from the break of dawn until the fall of night, how they say He fought with Jacob. I cannot tolerate the unknown - or the impossible to know, like the pedantics write - nor with that other idea of "from here you cannot pass." I reject the eternal ignorabimus. And above all, I want to climb to the inaccessible."

Alice was one of my horn teachers. She not only taught me about horn, but about life. She had been diagnosed with stage 4 brain cancer, 8 YEARS before I met her. She underwent 5 brain surgeries, countless chemo and radiation therapies, and all sorts of experimental treatment. Through it all, she continued to teach, and be the most positive person I have ever met. She firmly believed until the day she died that she had nothing but blessings in her life. I hope to be able to live my life so positively, and affect as many people as she did.

Gustav Mahler is my favorite composer. I haven't much to say about him, other than his music is pure emotion. It inspires me every time I hear it, and makes me love to do what I do: play horn. A continual inspiration, is he.

Chris was my old youth pastor from high school. When I was in the nasty-Christian phase, he constantly questioned my thinking, made me truly think through what I believed. He played a very large role in guiding me back to the Love. In a very big way, he helped to shape the adult I've become.

Tracy is a former Senior Pastor at my home church. She came into a predominantly white, older, conservative congregation as a young, black, liberal woman. Her sermons made many angry or uncomfortable, but she was always pushing us to truly search our hearts in order to guide our beliefs. Together, she and I put on a seminar for the community called "Faith and Sexuality," all about homosexuality and the church. It was a day of panelists, testimonies and questions, and very civil discussion. We had many compliments on how it was run, and many people said they were so happy a church has finally opened up the dialogue. Tracy is the second person (after Chris) to understand my faith, and tell me it is ok, that I don't have to fit into the confines of traditional Christianity to have a relationship with God. I will forever be grateful to her for that.

Path of Faith

For our first project, we were to make a path of faith. We were to take a piece of paper and in one corner write "Born" with a circle around it. In the opposite corner, we were to do the same with "Died." In between, we were supposed to write events that changed the course of our lives, or played an important role in our lives, draw circles around them, and draw a line connecting the circles. We were then to somehow label our faith practices at the time of each event, traveling through our lives. Finally, we were to write a big x with "You are Here!" designating where we are currently on our paths.

I've never been anything but Christian, but my faith has morphed throughout the years. I started childhood as United Methodist, happy in that faith as children usually are. Once middle school hit, I met some friends who were from the "real" churches, and was told that even though I'd believed in Jesus my entire life, I wasn't a "real" christian because I hadn't sat down and said the right sentence to invite him into my heart. So, I did. Therefore, I converted to a religion I already believed in. But, that's neither here nor there. I became one of those uppity snobby christians, and happily told others all about Jesus and how they might be going to hell if they didn't believe in him. I even told my best friend in High School that I was going to get her to convert if it's the last thing I do (she never did, and honestly, I'm glad). Towards the end of high school I started realizing I really didn't like being like that, and that's not the kind of faith I truly believe in. I also went on a mission/work trip to an orphanage in Guatemala, which changed my perspective on... well... everything. So, I started moving away from that, and became what I think of as a liberal Christian, or a hippie christian. College saw frequent periods of doubt, and I had stopped attending church all together. I still went on yearly mission trips to Guatemala, and have been 6 times. I finally realized that God is real, but he has a different relationship with each and every person. I cannot judge how anyone worships, or doesn't worship. It's up to God. So I now think of myself as a Wandering Christian, because even though I still adhere to the label, I think many christians would shun me for what I believe. But I think God and I are ok.