Family love

Something happened a few days ago that still fills my heart to the brim with love and joy, and it was such a simple little thing. But I can't get it out of my head, so I thought I'd share. It definitely falls into the category of "moment of grace."

This is my 2 1/2 year old nephew. He is rather tall for his age, however, that is a mini french horn that I acquired a couple of years ago. He was too scared to touch my full-size horn, but when I pulled this out, he fell in love. He put his right hand in the bell, and his left hand where you see it, without me having to instruct him! He then proceeded to blow into the mouthpiece (with a very good set-up, if I might add), and make some nice little sounds. He grinned after every sound, and told us happily that he had just played "Twinkle Twinkle" or "ABC" or some other song that is generally longer than one note. This occupied a good hour of our time, and I loved every second of it.

I've never wanted to teach my instrument, not to anyone. But I had this moment where I wanted to teach him how to play so badly I could hardly contain it. I wanted to share this incredibly important part of myself with him. Since he's 2, that's not really possible right now. But maybe someday... I have hope. He already shows talent. He even created a "trombone" out of a little slide whistle, and ran around the house saying "trombone!" and playing a little note. It's pretty freaking adorable.

But the really important thing happened later that evening. We were all together celebrating my grandfather's 88th birthday, and had gone out to dinner. My older brother (this kid's father) found out as we were leaving the restaurant that a friend's father had just passed away. He knew the man very well, and was obviously upset. Patrick told his mom that Daddy looks sad, and reached out, transferring to my brother's arms, and said "It's ok, Daddy." I about started to weep.

When we got back to the house, they decided Patrick would stay with us while Mommy and Daddy went to the hospital for their friend. Mommy was about to read him a bedtime story, but I asked him if I could read to him. Normally, when I ask if I can do something with him, he immediately says "no" and won't do it. But he climbed out of Mommy's lap, and ran over and climbed up in mine. I got to read him two bedtime stories as he cuddled on my lap.

I really can't describe what I was feeling during that moment, because I've never felt it before. I can only assume it's what would be called a "maternal" feeling, however I've never felt particularly maternal before, so I don't know. All I do know is that I felt so much love for that child, and could feel his little 2-year old self full of love, joy, curiosity, and all other toddler feelings, and it was just a happy moment.

I never realized bedtime stories about Thomas the tank engine and the Bernstein Bears could be so important.

Must be a sign...

Since starting this course, a lot of things have been happening around me, and I think I need to take a look at them more closely. It seems fitting, since we are in the season of Lent, a time traditionally devoted to reflect on our faith and meditating on what that means.

The first was that I walked into my church to practice my horn, and saw this funky table-like thing at the entrance to the sanctuary. It had a sign on it, and once I got the lights turned on, I saw that it was an altar, made by a local artist. The art gallery, which is one of the church's ministries, currently has a show called "Ashes and Altars," altars and cremation urns, among other sacred relics created by David Orth. You can see information here.

I've said it before, but I really have never though about altars. I only remember the whole do-not-worship-idols thing, and I think I always associated objects on an altar being idol-worshiping. Thinking about it more now, and having read the course's suggestions on altar-building, I do not believe that. I like the thought that I can have objects on my altar that represent different ways I feel close to God. I plan on going to the art show when it is open on Sunday, and taking a look at these altars and relics, and consider them in a different light than I would have before this course.

I picked up a packet about the art gallery, and discovered they are also having an altar-creation class on March 17. "Having a sacred space in the home can aid greatly in ones spiritual journey. In this workshop, you will learn about home altars, their history and uses in various cultures, ways in which a home altar can nurture your spiritual life, along with what to include on your altar." YAY! Consider me workshop-bound. I've been meditating, and considering what items to put on my altar, and will probably put them on there before the workshop, but it will be interesting to see what I come up with, and what the workshop talks about.

Another series of events hosted by the gallery will be multiple days of Centering Prayer: "Lent is a time for reflection, introspection on the meaning of our faith, and what it means to be a disciple of Christ... to take up our own cross and follow him. The mystics have long embraced centering prayer as a non-verbal discipline to become aware, alert, and present to the workings of the spirit as it moves through us." There are multiple 30-minute sessions on Saturday mornings, and I'm planning on attending at least one session. 9 am is a bit early for me, so I have to work myself into getting up that early. If I went tomorrow morning, I'd just fall asleep. However, I'm hoping that the few sessions I may be able to make will help me with my meditating issues.

Speaking of meditating... I came across 2 CDs of music that I got during a class on Gandharva meditation (I believe that's what it was called) that I did during my undergrad. I was told it would help immensely with my music studies, but either I didn't practice it enough, or I just wasn't ready for that kind of centering yet. Either way, I uploaded the discs to iTunes, and used the evening version for my meditation today. I immediately noticed a difference: having noise-reducing ear buds in cut out a lot of the piano "music" coming from downstairs. My dad didn't come knock on my door immediately, like he did last time I tried to meditate. The music helped me to calm my mind, giving me something to hear while I did the breathing exercise. Once the music cut out for about a 15-minute meditation session, I was really into it, and didn't get distracted. I thought about what I would put on my altar, letting the thoughts settle into my heart, and weigh the choice. I think I'm pretty set, now. Once the music kicked back in to signal the end of the meditating session, I felt very good about the whole experience.

It doesn't surprise me that music seems to be the key to my ability to calm my mind. If I can't sleep because my mind is racing, I usually do a breathing exercise while listening to a song I discovered a few years ago, "Overboard" by the band Matthew. (#2 on the list) It always calmed my mind enough for me to fall asleep before the song was even over. Music is such a huge part of my being that I really should have thought of trying to use music during my meditation sooner. I found those CDs, and had one of those facepalm moments.

All in all, there's been a lot to take in lately. It's been good.

Moments of grace.

We were encouraged in this first week to think back to times that were moments of grace, "a moment where everything clicked, and you felt yourself a part of something greater, filled with joy and gratitude, completely absorbed in the moment so that you didn’t stop to analyze how happy you were, you just…felt it. The universe filled you up, God smacked you on the bottom, and you felt yourself born into something new and beautiful and beyond words."

The first one that jumped into my mind was my first time on a mission trip to Guatemala. I was a senior in high school, and was given the opportunity to join a small work trip from my church to work for a week at an orphanage outside of Guatemala City. I wasn't sure what to expect, but I was excited because I was going to get an opportunity to use my mad AP Spanish skills. The entire week was a shock of reality, and a moment of grace. It ended up being over Ash Wednesday, and that day, we climbed a "mountain" (read: large, steep hill) with about 30 kids. As we were climbing, we realized the farmers had just burned their fields for replanting. Our pastor picked up a baggie of ashes, and we had a small Ash Wednesday service in our hotel room later that evening, with the ashes from the mountain. From that moment on, I've felt like I carry a little bit of Guatemala with me, wherever I go. I go back as often as I am able, and have been 6 times. Every week is a week-long moment of grace. There are heart-wrenching moments, when you hear the stories of the horrible abuse the children have suffered, the awful lives most have had, you see the 12-year old pregnant girl, the baby with burn scars all over her body... But then you see the woman the abused girl became, and the life she has made for herself and her son. You hear the burned baby giggle. You see the 12-year old pregnant girl smile, with a shine of hope in her eyes. That's when you know something greater is going on, and that every hug you give is coming from another power to strengthen these children through their fight for life. I always come back feeling a very strong mix of emotions: angry that I can't do more, sad that I had to leave the kids in that situation, but elated that I was able to give them something of myself, and hope for a better future.


Another moment of grace that is reoccurring is being on stage, with my french horn. I never feel more at home, never feel happier, than when I get to play beautiful music. There is one piece of music that tops all others in regards to being a moment of grace. I've been fortunate to be able to play it once in my life, and hope to play it many times in the future. Gustav Mahler called his Second Symphony the "Resurrection." The fourth movement is a mezzo-soprano solo called Urlicht, and has the most beautiful and meaningful text I've ever heard. Playing it is a moment of grace, hearing a live performance is a moment of grace, and simply listening to a recording is a moment of grace. Everything about this piece is so inspiring, and makes me feel close to God.

Click here for a video of the piece
Click here for a translation of the text

The entire symphony is fantastic, and I encourage everyone to listen to it. The Finale is spectacular, and the text to the finale is below the text to the fourth movement on the same text link above. It is my favorite piece of music, and if I could only listen to one thing for the rest of my life, I think this would be it. Everything about it touches my heart and my spirit.

The last moment of grace I'm going to mention can all be summed up in one photo: