Tattoo Design

Dianne Sylvan's post about her tattoos inspired me to post about my tattoo design. She recently got a tattoo of a phoenix, and that is a huge part of the design I've wanted for a couple of years. The plan is for the tattoo to crawl up my left side, from hip to underarm. It's gonna be a biggie. I wanted to do full back, with the flames coming over my shoulders, but my career may make me wear a formal dress, and the 80-year old patrons of classical music rarely approve of tattoos. My side will be my compromise. :-)


I did a sketch in 2009 of an idea, but couldn't figure out how to do the flames, or which direction the bird should be facing. I've read The Hunger Games, so I was familiar with the mockingjay pin that is on the covers. However, it wasn't until the movie posters started coming out that I felt inspired by the bird and the flames. The first time I saw the pin burst into flames during the preview, I knew that was my tattoo.

The bird is a phoenix, which dies in flames, and is resurrected from the ashes. Resurrection has always been a key tenet of my belief system, so the phoenix enveloping the trinity symbol is very meaningful to me: Death cannot hold me, I will live again with God.

The compass rose has been a tattoo dream of mine for longer than I can remember. I love to travel, and seem to do a lot of it. I am almost never in one place for more than a month at a time. I travel regularly to Guatemala, and spent 5 months in Chile, where I traveled to Argentina, also. I want to see as much of the world as I can. It used to also symbolize the spread of the Word of God, but that's not its symbology so much anymore with me. I would say that the idea is similar, but it is more spreading the idea of love (Jesus' love, if you will, or simply love) throughout the world, love and compassion.

The receipt of Module 4 today, and its mention of the elements and the compass points each element belongs to inspired me to add the Japanese symbols for the four elements to the corresponding points on the compass rose. I study Japanese Jujitsu, and it has become a very important part of my life, physically, mentally, and spiritually. My first teacher spoke frequently of the need to balance your three bodies: physical, mind, and spirit. He taught me how to balance the four elements within me, also. So, this idea has become very important in my life, along with he who taught me.

The bird has the south point of the compass rose in her mouth, grasping the fire, as she herself is on fire. Fire is my main element, and since the phoenix dies in fire, I thought it was fitting.

The text at the bottom right is from my favorite piece of music, the fourth movement (Urlicht, or Primal Light) from Mahler's Second Symphony ("Resurrection"), also in Des Knaben Wunderhorn. It is in German, but here is the translation:

O little red rose!
Man lies in the greatest need.
Man lies in the greatest suffering.
How much rather would I be in Heaven!
I came upon a broad road.
There came an angel and wanted to block my way.
Ah, no! I did not let myself be turned away!
I am of God, and to God I shall return.
Dear God will grant me a small light,
Will light my way to eternal, blissful life.

I drew the new design in my Journey Book, as the fourth entry I have made. The third entry was the text from the Mahler symphony, part of which is above. I also put in the text of the fifth movement, the finale. I almost never draw, my artistic talents being centered around music with some photography. I never seem to be able to draw or sketch anything, and that is how it has been my whole life. However, when I'm thinking about this particular design, it always seems to come out of my hands. Sure, it's not fantastic by any means, but it amazes me how great this design looks every time I try to draw it. I'm taking that as a sign that I should get this on my body one of these days...

Meditation experience

I've been trying to meditate at home for awhile, and just haven't seemed to fall into it. There is usually some noise going on in my house (my mom teaches piano lessons) so it's hard to focus. My father also likes to come knock on my door at any time, so I get interrupted frequently.

Being a classical musician, I am frequently in a very focused state of mind for hours a day: practicing. I think it's almost meditative, in a way, because you are focused so minutely on details, and it's hard to think of other things. I regularly practice in the sanctuary of the church where I grew up, so I thought perhaps I'd bled enough energy into that area to be able to fall into actual meditation.

Yesterday, I sat up by the altar, a few feet away from where I generally set up to practice. I tried the meditation exercise from week one, which was basically just focusing on your breathing, and opening a connection to God. I really got into it this time. I finally feel like I got something out of my meditation, because I could actually still my mind and not get so distracted. I still had thoughts that flitted through my head, but I was able to simply wave at them as they passed by, rather than start to dwell on them.

I'm hoping I can transfer this experience to my home, and hopefully move along in this part of the course. Now that I seem to have had success, however, I think it will be easier to recreate the situation. I spend much more of my time in my room than I do practicing, but I don't focus on anything so hard here as I do when I'm practicing at church, so maybe it's just an energy thing. We'll see!

Something I struggle with is what to do with my eyes. I close them, but in the past, I've found that I have a tendency to drift off to sleep if I meditate with my eyes closed. I do deep breathing exercises sometimes to fall asleep, and I find that when I meditate, I fall into the deep breathing habits. Being a brass player, it's really easy to fall into that kind of breathing, since I spend so much time doing it! If I open my eyes, however, I don't know what to look at, and find my eyes wandering, which makes my mind wander even more. I'm not entirely sure how to focus my mind on just my breathing, without constantly thinking "in, out" and then I wouldn't be able to hear anything else anyone might be trying to tell me.

I'm up for advice...

Journal Questions

The journal questions this week are a little wonky to me. Whereas last week, the questions were ones I frequently thought about before the course, this week they are questions I've never really thought about that much.

The second question doesn't apply to where I am right now, therefore I will skip it. During the first week, we were given an assignment to clear off our altars, and meditate in front of the cleared space. If we have no altar to begin with, we were to clear a space, and meditate still. I have cleared a space, but I haven't been around much to meditate in front of it. I've never been one for altars, or meditating, but I have decided to give it a shot. I'll just be a bit behind on that one.

1. Write in your journal about a spiritual experience you’ve never felt comfortable talking about because it seemed too “out there” or “silly.” Does it sound similar to any of those discussed in this week’s material?

(This week talked about finding spiritual inspiration in weird places, such as books or TV shows) I don't generally feel comfortable talking about spiritual experiences with more than a select few people, so this question really applies to all experiences I've had. However, I can think of a few to mention here.

I practiced a system of Japanese Jujitsu during the last few months of my time in New Jersey, and was introduced to an entirely new aspect of spirituality: energy. My teacher is a Buddhist priest, and we had many other priests or Buddhists in the class. I learned basics of manipulating my own energy and that of an opponent, as well as moving meditation meant to balance the energy inside of me and surrounding me. I learned about the different elements, and how each person has an element they are most like. I learned I was fire, but my teacher thought it was very interesting that I had also mastered wind, and made it a part of myself (I'm a brass player... we breathe a lot). He taught me how to channel the energy of all the elements, to balance myself out. I haven't done this meditation in a long time, but I'm hoping to start adding it back into my daily routine. If you had asked me before I started Jujitsu, whether or not I believed in the power of this energy, or balancing of the elements, I would have said no. But now that I've seen it working, that I've seen my teacher harness this energy and hold a black-belt at bay with his little finger, I believe in it wholeheartedly. When I bring it up to people, however, they have a tendency to not believe me... So, I mostly keep it to myself.

Every time I'm on stage playing a concert is a spiritual experience for me. I always feel like there is nowhere else I'm supposed to be, that I'm doing exactly what God had planned. It doesn't get much better.

One thing that was mentioned this week resonated with me: the Kushiel's Legacy books. They have such an open yet sacred view of sexuality that it really made me think about the contemporary conservative Christian view of sexuality, and how I don't think it's what God had in mind. "Love as thou wilt" sounds a whole lot like Jesus talking about the greatest commandment being Love. Everything about those books was inspirational.

3. Imagine you’re at a party and someone asks about your spiritual practices. (It’s
a weird party. Just go with it.) How would you describe your unique flavor of Nomadism in, say, 30 words or less? Are you a Zen Druid of the Cross? Founder of
the Church of the Cupcake Yogini? Ask yourself this same question again at the end
of the Nomad course to see how your path and your priorities change.

Personal Christian, but universal theist and religious freedom advocate. (I bet that would take some explaining, but it's the closest I could think of.)

4. What is one thing a lot of people you know seem to find inspiring that you just
don’t get? Is it simply not appealing to you or are you resisting it for other reasons
(everyone’s into it so I refuse to be; it sounds too childish; I don’t want to sacrifice a chicken every Thursday because I’m a vegan)? It’s just as important to know where you don’t find inspiration as where you do – and if something feels off, it’s
important to figure out why so you’ll know what to look for in future explorations.

CONTEMPORARY CHRISTIAN PRAISE MUSIC. Seriously, people... just stop. It's painful to listen to, and painful to try to work with as a musician. I cannot affiliate myself with a church whose main form of worship involves a rock band.

I'd say meditation is something I don't really get. Perhaps I just have an incorrect view of what your brain is supposed to be doing, but I can't get mine to focus on anything. If I sit still, I think about everything going on in my life, or the book I'm reading, or what music I have to prepare, how I should be practicing rather than sitting around... I've never found much peace or guidance from meditating. Alas, I'm still giving it a go.

Guru Board

This week's project was to make a Guru Board. What's that, you say? I've never really considered having personal Gurus before. This took a bit of thought, and quite a bit of getting used to. At first, I thought I couldn't come up with anyone. However, I soon realized I have plenty of gurus, at least by the definition we were given. Inspiration hit, and then I was spending 3 hours trying to remember how to use Adobe Illustrator.

According to the module:

"In Eastern understanding, a guru is more than a teacher: a guru is an embodiment of the teachings, a conduit for Divine grace and wisdom... I think of my gurus as those writers, artists, and other figures who have influenced my path so strongly that I turn to their works time and
time again. They have changed my life whether I know them personally or not."

Behold!
I used the knot as my focal point, because this symbol has always meant God to me, no matter what direction my faith was taking. I'm not entirely sure why that is, but it has always been a symbol I can relate to.

The first picture I put on was a photo of me from my first Guatemala trip in 2003. The little girl in my lap, Damaris, changed my life completely. She opened my eyes to so many things that I, as a sheltered American, never realized existed. She was only 3! We spent the entire week together, we were inseparable. She made me want to change the world. She helped me realize that many parts of my faith that I thought important were really not. It was the first time LOVE truly became the focal point of my faith. I never saw her again, and often wonder what became of her and her older siblings. I like to think that their family took them back, and they are loved, but I doubt it. Damaris, along with all the other children at the orphanage Fundaniños, have had and continue to have a significant impact on my path of faith.

Margarita and Claudia are two of the caregivers from Fundaniños, the orphanage in Guatemala. Margarita has been with the woman who founded the orphanage since it began in 1992 (I believe that's the year). She has moved when it changed location, and has devoted her entire being to caring for these children who have no one else to care for them. She is likely my single most favorite person in the world. Claudia is my age, 26, and has a 12-year old son. She came to Fundaniños as a pregnant teen, after an absolutely atrocious life. I've known her since 2003, but only in 2010 did she dare tell me her life story. You cannot imagine the abuse this woman has suffered, and yet she shines with love and hope, and is a fantastic mother to her son. She told me, "My mother taught me exactly how to be a good mom. I just do the opposite of what she did." She is no longer with the orphanage, but I still see her when we go. She is truly an inspiration, in life and faith.

Arnold was my first Japanese Jujitsu teacher. He is an 8th degree blackbelt, as well as a Buddhist priest. Through him, I was introduced to a concept I had never before considered: energy. I only had a few months to learn from him before I moved, but I learned so much about the energy of our bodies, minds, and spirits, and how to balance it and use it. He taught me moving meditation, a way to manipulate the energy around me, taking it in and giving it back. It has opened up whole new avenues of communication between me and God, and I am so thankful.

Yes, Marcus is my french horn. I know gurus were supposed to be humans, but I had to put him on here. I've been playing horn since I was 9, but only started studying seriously about 5 years ago. I have learned a lot about myself through this process, and have learned the arts of patience and discipline. I also never feel closer to home and God than when I have my horn in my hands, or am on stage playing a concert.

Andrew is the lead singer of my favorite band, Project 86. The lyrics that he writes to the music composed by his bandmates never fail to reach deep down into my heart and soul. I find inspiration, hope, and understanding through his music. A few of the songs put me into a sort of trance, and going to their shows is always a very spiritual experience, being amidst a crowd of fans all screaming the words back at him. He is also an author, and has written two books of poetry, a memoir, and a book about faith. I've had numerous discussions with him, and he is the most down-to-earth guy there is. I had a crush on him for years, and when I heard he got married, I was devastated. ;-) But husband or not, he will always be able to reach my heart the way no one else ever has.

Miguel de Unamuno was a Spanish philosopher and author. He wrote a novella called San Manuel Bueno, Mártir, about three people on three different paths of faith. The symbolism is beautiful and intense, and inspired me to delve into the symbolism of my own belief. I then found an essay he wrote called Mi Religión, and for the first time, felt that someone out there understood my own personal faith:

"Y bien, se me dirá, "¿Cuál es tu religión?" Y yo responderé: mi religión es buscar la verdad en la vida y la vida en la verdad, aun a sabiendas de que no he de encontrarlas mientras viva; mi religión es luchar incesante e incansablemente con el misterio; mi religión es luchar con Dios desde el romper del alba hasta el caer de la noche, como dicen que con Él luchó Jacob. No puedo transigir con aquello del Inconocible —o Incognoscible, como escriben los pedantes— ni con aquello otro de "de aquí no pasarás". Rechazo el eterno ignorabimus. Y en todo caso, quiero trepar a lo inaccesible."

"And well, they asked me, "What is your religion?" And I replied: my religion is to seek the truth in life, and life in the truth, still knowing that I cannot find it while alive; my religion is to fight incessantly and untiring with the mystery; my religion is fight with God from the break of dawn until the fall of night, how they say He fought with Jacob. I cannot tolerate the unknown - or the impossible to know, like the pedantics write - nor with that other idea of "from here you cannot pass." I reject the eternal ignorabimus. And above all, I want to climb to the inaccessible."

Alice was one of my horn teachers. She not only taught me about horn, but about life. She had been diagnosed with stage 4 brain cancer, 8 YEARS before I met her. She underwent 5 brain surgeries, countless chemo and radiation therapies, and all sorts of experimental treatment. Through it all, she continued to teach, and be the most positive person I have ever met. She firmly believed until the day she died that she had nothing but blessings in her life. I hope to be able to live my life so positively, and affect as many people as she did.

Gustav Mahler is my favorite composer. I haven't much to say about him, other than his music is pure emotion. It inspires me every time I hear it, and makes me love to do what I do: play horn. A continual inspiration, is he.

Chris was my old youth pastor from high school. When I was in the nasty-Christian phase, he constantly questioned my thinking, made me truly think through what I believed. He played a very large role in guiding me back to the Love. In a very big way, he helped to shape the adult I've become.

Tracy is a former Senior Pastor at my home church. She came into a predominantly white, older, conservative congregation as a young, black, liberal woman. Her sermons made many angry or uncomfortable, but she was always pushing us to truly search our hearts in order to guide our beliefs. Together, she and I put on a seminar for the community called "Faith and Sexuality," all about homosexuality and the church. It was a day of panelists, testimonies and questions, and very civil discussion. We had many compliments on how it was run, and many people said they were so happy a church has finally opened up the dialogue. Tracy is the second person (after Chris) to understand my faith, and tell me it is ok, that I don't have to fit into the confines of traditional Christianity to have a relationship with God. I will forever be grateful to her for that.

Moments of grace.

We were encouraged in this first week to think back to times that were moments of grace, "a moment where everything clicked, and you felt yourself a part of something greater, filled with joy and gratitude, completely absorbed in the moment so that you didn’t stop to analyze how happy you were, you just…felt it. The universe filled you up, God smacked you on the bottom, and you felt yourself born into something new and beautiful and beyond words."

The first one that jumped into my mind was my first time on a mission trip to Guatemala. I was a senior in high school, and was given the opportunity to join a small work trip from my church to work for a week at an orphanage outside of Guatemala City. I wasn't sure what to expect, but I was excited because I was going to get an opportunity to use my mad AP Spanish skills. The entire week was a shock of reality, and a moment of grace. It ended up being over Ash Wednesday, and that day, we climbed a "mountain" (read: large, steep hill) with about 30 kids. As we were climbing, we realized the farmers had just burned their fields for replanting. Our pastor picked up a baggie of ashes, and we had a small Ash Wednesday service in our hotel room later that evening, with the ashes from the mountain. From that moment on, I've felt like I carry a little bit of Guatemala with me, wherever I go. I go back as often as I am able, and have been 6 times. Every week is a week-long moment of grace. There are heart-wrenching moments, when you hear the stories of the horrible abuse the children have suffered, the awful lives most have had, you see the 12-year old pregnant girl, the baby with burn scars all over her body... But then you see the woman the abused girl became, and the life she has made for herself and her son. You hear the burned baby giggle. You see the 12-year old pregnant girl smile, with a shine of hope in her eyes. That's when you know something greater is going on, and that every hug you give is coming from another power to strengthen these children through their fight for life. I always come back feeling a very strong mix of emotions: angry that I can't do more, sad that I had to leave the kids in that situation, but elated that I was able to give them something of myself, and hope for a better future.


Another moment of grace that is reoccurring is being on stage, with my french horn. I never feel more at home, never feel happier, than when I get to play beautiful music. There is one piece of music that tops all others in regards to being a moment of grace. I've been fortunate to be able to play it once in my life, and hope to play it many times in the future. Gustav Mahler called his Second Symphony the "Resurrection." The fourth movement is a mezzo-soprano solo called Urlicht, and has the most beautiful and meaningful text I've ever heard. Playing it is a moment of grace, hearing a live performance is a moment of grace, and simply listening to a recording is a moment of grace. Everything about this piece is so inspiring, and makes me feel close to God.

Click here for a video of the piece
Click here for a translation of the text

The entire symphony is fantastic, and I encourage everyone to listen to it. The Finale is spectacular, and the text to the finale is below the text to the fourth movement on the same text link above. It is my favorite piece of music, and if I could only listen to one thing for the rest of my life, I think this would be it. Everything about it touches my heart and my spirit.

The last moment of grace I'm going to mention can all be summed up in one photo:

Journal questions

Here are the journal questions from the first week!

1. On the whole, has your experience with spiritual exploration been positive or negative? If it has been mostly negative, what drives you to continue?

I'd have to say my experience with spiritual exploration has had both positive and negative aspects. I've been told I'm going to hell more times than I can count, and most of the time it was simply because I was Methodist, and said accuser was some other denomination. Sadly, I turned into that kind of person for a period of time. However, looking back, I realize I was like that simply because I was trying to fit in, to do the right things, say the right things, etc, in order to be a "good" Christian. I'm glad I outgrew that phase. Right after that phase, though, I had a very long period of doubt. I would have days where I just could not get myself to believe in God, and some days where there was no doubt in my mind that there was a god. This led to me delving into what I really believed about God, myself, and the world. I went on numerous mission trips to Guatemala, and saw the horrible poverty, and spoke with so many abused children, I didn't know how God could allow this to happen. But then I'd see the kids smile, despite everything, and see the few people who give their entire lives to making things better, and I know God is working in them, and in me. I can see good people doing good things every day, regardless of their belief system. That's a huge positive.

2. Were the negative experiences you had the result of religious institutions you
disagreed with, individuals or group personality conflicts, problems with the
religion’s doctrine, or something else? What did you learn about your own spiritual needs from those experiences?

The negative experiences were from a lot of different things. I was trying so hard to be what I thought I should be, that I was ignoring what my heart was trying to tell me. I have serious issues with people who take the Bible literally. I've always believed it to be very metaphorical, and that the whole book is more like guidelines than anything, and time and evolution of culture should be taken into consideration. This got me into trouble a lot. I learned that I can gather pieces of wisdom from the church and the Bible, as well as other religions and teachers, but I truly need to delve into the depths of my own heart and conscience in order to find my path to God. Trying to be something I'm not will never work, and I don't think it's what God wants.

3. If you had to choose one thing to call God, whether a name (like Allah or Demeter) or a title (like Mother, Great Spirit, et cetera) what would you choose?
Why?

I think I'd just pick God. It's familiar to me, first of all. I don't think human languages possess the ability to truly describe God, and I don't think we really need to. I don't believe God has a specific gender, or even a form, necessarily. But being human, and having the obsessive necessity to put a label on everything, I think "God" works just fine, no matter if he/she/it has a corporeal form, or is just a floating cloud of energy, which, in fact, is what I've thought my entire life. I thought of God as a huge, unending cloud of energy, the Holy Spirit as a small one, and Jesus as the corporeal form. The whole idea of God being a big old man with a beard confused me.

4. How have you experienced Deity most often in your life: as a discrete
entity/entities, as a transcendent impersonal force, as a feeling of divine love,
something else, all of the above?

I'd have to say a feeling of divine love. Jesus says the greatest of the commandments is to love. God created us out of love. All I learned growing up at church was about love! How can we not have a loving god, when we have such a beautiful world and universe, as well as the knowledge to explore it? Yes, I very much believe God is love, no matter what form my "religion" ends up taking. Love and compassion are key. I also think God lets us wander our own paths, gently nudging us here and there, but never moving us like pieces on a chess board. You know, free will and all.

5. What is the least you need as an altar to supplement your practice? What would
be your ideal?

Honestly, I don't think I need an altar in order to connect with God. I'm open to the idea of starting an altar, as I think it would help be a reminder to try that connection, but I've never really felt disconnected. I'm unsure about this question at the moment. :-)

Path of Faith

For our first project, we were to make a path of faith. We were to take a piece of paper and in one corner write "Born" with a circle around it. In the opposite corner, we were to do the same with "Died." In between, we were supposed to write events that changed the course of our lives, or played an important role in our lives, draw circles around them, and draw a line connecting the circles. We were then to somehow label our faith practices at the time of each event, traveling through our lives. Finally, we were to write a big x with "You are Here!" designating where we are currently on our paths.

I've never been anything but Christian, but my faith has morphed throughout the years. I started childhood as United Methodist, happy in that faith as children usually are. Once middle school hit, I met some friends who were from the "real" churches, and was told that even though I'd believed in Jesus my entire life, I wasn't a "real" christian because I hadn't sat down and said the right sentence to invite him into my heart. So, I did. Therefore, I converted to a religion I already believed in. But, that's neither here nor there. I became one of those uppity snobby christians, and happily told others all about Jesus and how they might be going to hell if they didn't believe in him. I even told my best friend in High School that I was going to get her to convert if it's the last thing I do (she never did, and honestly, I'm glad). Towards the end of high school I started realizing I really didn't like being like that, and that's not the kind of faith I truly believe in. I also went on a mission/work trip to an orphanage in Guatemala, which changed my perspective on... well... everything. So, I started moving away from that, and became what I think of as a liberal Christian, or a hippie christian. College saw frequent periods of doubt, and I had stopped attending church all together. I still went on yearly mission trips to Guatemala, and have been 6 times. I finally realized that God is real, but he has a different relationship with each and every person. I cannot judge how anyone worships, or doesn't worship. It's up to God. So I now think of myself as a Wandering Christian, because even though I still adhere to the label, I think many christians would shun me for what I believe. But I think God and I are ok.

Welcome!

Welcome to my Spiritual Nomad blog!

I'm taking an ecourse designed by author Diane Sylvan, about finding your own spirituality. I've long believed that organized religions don't have it quite right, and adhered to the belief that your faith is between you and God, not you and anyone else. I've felt for awhile I do not quite fit in with any particular belief, because I think that regardless of what I believe personally, it's not right for everyone. There is no one way to God.

From Diane Sylvan's page about the course:

"The concept behind Spiritual Nomadism is that not everyone is suited to pick a single tradition and stick with it forever. Spirituality is an ever-evolving thing, and while some folk can do that within the structure of one religion—which is awesome for them—some of us always have a weather eye on the horizon. We learn a bit here, and a bit there, and gather tools and souvenirs from every tradition we visit, but ultimately we prefer to keep on walking and do our own thing.

Neither of these approaches is right or wrong, but there isn’t just a whole lot of help out there for people who want to draw their own maps instead of sticking to the guided tour. I found that, when I could no longer reasonably call myself Wiccan, I was sort of floating in the Sea of Muddled Eclecticism, and I had to tread water for quite a while. I might not be able to drag you to dry land, but I can help you blow up your water wings."

This blog is where I'll be posting my responses to the course, both in our "assignments" and my general thoughts.